And Now For Something Completely Different

Early Valentine Edition

We are taking a break from the Bridgertons this week so I can recharge my snark batteries, but I couldn’t leave your inboxes completely bereft of my sparkling commentary sooooooo … I have a special treat today. And by “special”, I mean unique. Uniquely terrible, possibly. But unique nonetheless.

There is an indelible though not entirely obvious connection in my mind between romance novels and Cosmo magazine. By way of plausible ex post facto explanation, the last time I consistently read both, it was the mid-90s and I was an impressionable, relatively very inexperienced teenager. Both had a kind of irresistibly grown-up allure, which didn’t entirely blind me to their fundamental trashiness. To be clear, I’m not saying all romance novels are trashy; but the ones I was reading back in the day most definitely were. And we can safely say that Cosmo has ALWAYS been trashy. I think that’s its main selling feature.

Anyway, since we’ve been exploring romance novels these last few weeks, my brain inevitably went down a separate but related track when deciding what to write about in this week’s newsletter. I could have chosen something relatively high brow – like recapping one of my fave Jane Austen adaptations – but instead, I went to the lowest of the low brow. To wit, a deep dive into an article from the October 1982 issue of Cosmo entitled … wait for it … “The ABCs of Marrying Moneyed Men”.

HOW EXCITED ARE YOU RIGHT NOW????

As the title suggests, the article is organized from A to Z. The stuff in quotation marks below is copied verbatim from the magazine. I promise you, I did not make up a single word. Beyond that, I am not sure it’s possible or even advisable for me to try to prepare you in any way for this article. I will say that, even after reading it several times, I remain unclear on whether the author had ever met any rich men, or any men people at all. I also feel obliged to add a warning that following the recommendations provided in this article will quite possibly get you arrested and will almost certainly get you ostracized by your entire family and circle of friends. Caveat, reader.

Let’s dive in!! 

“Auctions. If you’re interested in art or in finding someone who is, start going to local auctions. Meeting men at auctions is easy. Sit next to someone interesting and ask if he jotted down the price of lot number so-and-so to get the conversation going.”

We are starting off relatively innocuously. The author is presuming that everyone lives in a town with fancy art auctions and not, say, farm equipment auctions exclusively, but ok. Imagine yourself at Christie’s, sitting down next to a debonair, well-dressed man, and just ‘get the conversation going.’ Nope, no further tips will be provided. Figure it out.  

“Books. Bookstores can provide a virtual library of moneyed men. With hardcover books priced as they are, the buyers are almost all “up market” types with money to spare.”

Ahhh, the good old days when hardcover books were a status symbol. I mean, as a bibliophile, I approve on principle, but watch out for the 3-for-$20 bargain bin crowd unless you’re ok with an arriviste pretender.

“Clubs. In every city throughout the world there are clubs filled with men, some of whom have lots of money, and all of whom are seeking company through club membership. Check out the promising coed clubs in your area, invest in a membership or snare an invitation and start working the members in your most charming way. As a fellow club member, a certain aggressiveness in starting conversations and initiating games is usually tolerated.”

Here, the author is being suspiciously vague about the kind of clubs we’re discussing. Is it sports clubs? Chess clubs? S&M clubs? What’s my context for aggressively initiating games??? NEED MORE DETAILS! And ‘usually tolerated’?? What’s the over/under on being tolerated versus reported to the authorities? I am also not sure that being tolerable is the most promising start to a relationship, but I commend the lack of sugar-coating. If you’re gonna attempt any of these maneuvers, best go in with your eyes open.

“Divorce lawyers. Make friends with a good divorce lawyer. He or she can be your best source of information concerning soon-to-be-available wealthy husbands.”

You should never try to make friends with lawyers*. Except criminal defence lawyers who can get you bail in a pinch. Everyone else is gonna put you on ignore when you send that “have something I need to ask you, call me” text.

[*am lawyer, don’t @ me]

“Education. There is a resurgence of interest in adult education. Since wealthy people usually have more leisure time than everyone else, they can spare the extra couple of hours to listen to a lecture on foreign policy or Tibetan art.”

I am beginning to be deeply confused regarding the level of rich dude we are talking about here. Because if it’s garden variety rich dudes, they all need to work 16 hours a day for their fat salaries and most definitely will not be going to lectures about Tibetan art or anything else. They probably have personal assistants running their Tinder accounts, ok? Meanwhile, Jeff Bezos is busy burning the Amazon forest or whatever else capitalist vampires do, so he’s not going to be there either. Also, learning about foreign policy (why?? but ok) is much easier in my pyjamas, and YouTube exists so ... 

“Fitness centres. Get into shape at one of the fashionable coeducational fitness centers in your area where you can firm your pectorals and find a partner at the same time. The best hours are before and after work if you’re looking for the really ambitious people.”

                Pectorals??? Who am I, Arnold Schwarzenegger?

“Galleries. Art and antique galleries and museums provide excellent meeting places for people interested in finding a fellow art lover. Always sign the guest registry, marking the margin “please put on mailing list”. The best hours to scout for a rich art lover are lunch hours and Saturdays.”

Ok, hold up. Is this some kind of thinly disguised sponsored ad for art galleries? How would putting myself on a spam mailing list help me to meet a rich dude??? Connect the dots for me here, author. And while you’re at it, pls explain why rich art lovers go to museums during lunch hours and Saturdays? Isn’t that when the hoi polloi get time off work? We wouldn’t want some terrible misunderstanding to happen and, god forbid, end up chatting up some entry level data programmer. Ew.

“House hunting. Ask to see expensive properties before and after work, when the master of the house will most likely be at home. Showing houses to others can also work.”

I will cut the author some slack and accept that in the early 80s, expensive properties were more likely than not to be owned by dudes. But that … still isn’t how house viewings work. Is that how they worked in the 80s? Did you just show up while the owners were having dinner, and started peeking into their bathroom cabinets WHILE THEY WERE RIGHT THERE?!? I mean, wow, ok. I do appreciate the addendum about becoming a real estate agent solely for the purpose of picking up a rich husband. That’s sorta the premise of Selling Sunset, no?

“Interesting places after work. Every business has its couple of “happy hour” hangouts where everyone goes for a drink before heading home or out for the evening. Work your way through the business bars in your city, and you’ll find that it’s almost impossible not to meet someone.”

‘Work your way through the business bars in your city’ manages to sound incredibly sordid and dreary at the same time. It’s not clear if the target guy in this scenario is drinking alone or with a bunch of co-workers, but either way – stepping on a bunch of Legos while barefoot sounds like a more attractive proposition.

“Jogging. What better way to meet someone than jogging. It may not be easy to spot who has money and who doesn’t but if you’ve made a friend jogging or simply spotted one you’d like to make, you can follow him home and check out his neighborhood.”

OMFG. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT follow random people home at any time, ever. Jesus.

“Kinfolk. You may not find your family enthralling, but your relatives might turn up an introduction to interesting new material when pressed. Listen to the talk about cousin Mary Jane marrying a rich lawyer in Pittsburgh; that rich lawyer might have an equally rich sibling or partner for you.”

I was briefly intrigued, wondering how melancholy beige hipsters could help me find a rich man but, alas. Wrong Kinfolk. There are a lot of assumptions about people’s families baked into this tip, and we don’t have enough time or therapy to unpack them all.

“Lines. Even rich people stand in lines at the movies, grocery stores, coat rooms and other places, so shoulder your way up to whomever looks promising and say something clever.”

Again, WHICH RICH PEOPLE ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? I’m pretty sure that being rich means never having to stand in a line. And if it doesn’t, what even is the point of being rich? Also … ‘say something clever?’ Like what? Thanks for nothing, author.

“Men’s and women’s departments. The men’s departments of expensive, fashionable shops are excellent places to find wealthy men. You might be forced into an occasional purchase, but the merchandise is usually returnable for credit.”

You’re telling me I need to go hang out at Neiman Marcus? And buy stuff? Done and done.

“Nutrition centers. If you want to lose a few pounds, detoxify your system, or simply get a good rest, consider investing in a “working vacation” at one of the popular nutrition centers, spas, or health hydros. An art dealer friend who recently returned from the Pritikin nutrition center listed his fellow dieters for me and the roster read like Who’s Who in America.”

Ahh, the 80s. This wouldn’t be a Cosmo article if there wasn’t at least one fatphobic comment sprinkled into the mix. If you’re wondering what the hell a Pritikin is, congrats – you are not a geriatric millennial. Anyway, I am now convinced this entire article was just an excuse for the author to let us know that she’s totally got friends with connections in verrrry high places, okay? Her friends all live in Canada, though, you wouldn’t know them.

“Opening lines. A good opening line is a sure-fire way to catch someone off guard and really create a powerful first impression. Having a sense of humour helps, but anyone can perfect a witty repartee.”

I guess we’ve abandoned the “where to meet” theme and are now covering “how to chat up”. In case you don’t know how to be clever (see above), have you tried a little witty repartee?  

“Pets. Admire his Dalmatian, adore his Lhasa apso; one sure way to a person’s heart is through his pet.”

Are Dalmatians and Lhasa apsos rich men’s dogs? Is there, like, a whole breakdown of breeds-by-class available? No, seriously, I need to know. I once read the Preppy Handbook … unironically. Social class signifiers might be 100% made-up bullsh*it, but it’s made-up bullsh*t I CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF.

“Quick run-throughs. When seated in various popular bars around the world, you can single out a potential catch by doing what I call the “quick run-through”. It goes like this: Enter the establishment and start gazing around as if you’re looking for someone. When you spot an attractive, rich-looking man, continue your search near his table. About 50% of the time, a connection is made.”

Fifty percent of the time, it works every time. But I have questions. What is a rich-looking man? What if he doesn’t have his dog with him – how to tell? Do I just look for a Rolex and that certain je ne sais quoi of indifference to the plight of fellow humans and the environment? And how do I ‘continue my search near his table’? Do I look under the table? Do I pretend to have lost my glasses and/or my wits? Will that suffice in place of witty repartee? Pls halp.

“Restaurants. Seek out fashionable hotel dining rooms in your city and start having breakfast in them. Not only is breakfast one of the least expensive meals to eat in a restaurant, but it’s also a likely time to find a love diner. Furthermore, early breakfast business meetings fill dining rooms with attractive executives, increasing your chances of meeting someone. To get someone’s attention, try sending a note via the waiter. Write something like: “I don’t want to meddle, but were you aware of a man in a trench coat who followed you to the dining room?” You’re sure to get a reaction.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA … A HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! The author of this article is three 8-year olds in a trench coat, isn’t she? A trench coat … bwahahahahahahaha!!!

“Shopping [S part 1]. Start picking up the odd grocery item in the fancy-food emporiums and gourmet shops in your town. You’ll pay more for what you get, but you might get more for your money if you connect with a wealthy shopper.”

This is the reason why Whole Foods exists, no?

“Sports [S part 2]. Sports offer infinite opportunities for fortune hunters. As a participant as well as a spectator, you can use sports to meet people you might not otherwise get close to. [blah blah blah] It’s amazing who you can meet when you have tickets for the center court at the U.S. Open.”

If I have tickets for the center court at the U.S. Open, why am I still looking for a rich husband?

“Travel [T part 1]. Whenever possible, go to the first-class lounges at airports, the bars and restaurants of the most fashionable hotels, and any other “in” spots you hear about. Even if you fly economy, ask your travel agent to get you a first-class lounge pass. If your new friend asks why you’re flying economy and sitting in the first-class lounge, say the airline fouled up your first-class reservation. If you’re staying at a well-organized hotel, telephone the resident public-relations director and invite him for a drink. He can provide you with a wealth of information on current hotel guests, residents, and luminaries.”

RIP travel agents. Do concierges still exist? I am only familiar with the more pedestrian hotel chains, my bad. Regardless, I am fairly certain that disclosing customers’ personal information to a stranger is a total no-no and that requesting such disclosure will probably get you put on some watchlist somewhere.

“Trade associations [T part 2]. Trade associations and business conferences are going on every day in most large cities. Check your local newspaper, trade journals, and hotel publications and bulletin boards for lists of activities in ajldhszsmfdsekd
ymbjhbadsgdujzdhksf …”

Sorry, I lost consciousness there for a minute. Has this author ever been to a trade convention? Who are we trying to pick up here? Certified accountant Gary? I thought we wanted the moneybags CEO named Blaine who owns (101) Dalmatians and frequents Christies. That dude is not hanging out at a Holiday Inn on a Thursday evening eating reheated appetizers on a stick, ok.

“Umbrellas. If rain threatens, always carry a big umbrella. Then, when it does rain, offer shared coverage to the best candidate you can spot. Say something like: “Your coat’s getting soaked, share my umbrella.” Who could refuse you?”

Hi, it’s me. I would refuse. And, babe, I think you need to work on this obsession with accosting random people on the street. It’s giving stranger danger vibes.

“Variety. Variety is the spice of life, says an old proverb. Think of ways to spice up the lives of people you barely know or would like to know. A funny gift, a thoughtful note with a pertinent newspaper clipping enclosed, a balloon, or whatever comes to mind, will tell someone you’ve been thinking of them.”

A balloon? A f*cking newspaper clipping?? To someone I barely know??? What in the Benny & Joon hell is this?

“Women friends. The best way to meet people is through other people, which means you should start working on your women friends to find out if they know someone interesting for you. You might give a cocktail party and ask each friend to bring a friend you’ve never met. The possibilities are endless.”

Meeting guys through friends is a story as old as time, but this article makes it sound positively Machiavellian. Also, imagine that party invite conversation. “Hey Lauren, I’m having a party and I would like you to come. Yes, you can bring someone. No, it can’t be Sarah, your BFF. No, it can’t be Mike, your husband, either – unless you guys are doing the open marriage thing these days. No? That’s too bad, Mike’s kinda dishy. OK, well, bring someone like Mike, but make sure he’s single and also makes at least 6 figures. Lauren? Hello? Are you still there?”

“Xanthippe. Xanthippe was Socrates’ wife and she was a well-known nag. Nagging, hostile, jealous wives and husbands provide obvious clues about which married spouses might be open to a change of partner.”

“Mike? Hey, long time no chat. Hope business is going well. Listen, quick question: is Lauren still a huge f*cking nag these days?”

“Yachting. If you love boating or you’re a great sailor, dress suitably and visit the nearest marina. Admire the boats and ask the owners informed questions. See if you can’t wangle an invitation to come on board.”

No. F*cking. Comment.

[Sidenote: I always thought the correct term was “wrangle” and now I am questioning everything I thought I knew about the English language. I feel like this was the author’s preemptive revenge against me for writing this post. Touché.]

“Zoo. If you have nothing to do on a glorious day, pay a visit to the lions, tigers and monkeys, where you will find not only wealthy singles who love animals but, on weekends, a plethora of divorced fathers with children in tow.”

Ok, I get it; there aren’t a lot of words that start with the letter “Z” and it’s too late now to give up on this ridiculous theme. But let me tell you: there are ZERO WEALTHY SINGLES AT THE ZOO. Even Gary the certified accountant has something better to do, on a glorious day, no less.

Well, friends, I hope you learned something today. And, in case there was any confusion on this point, that would be the fact that you should never take dating any advice from a Cosmo magazine. Just like you shouldn’t take relationship advice from romance novels, at least 9 times out of 10. Speaking of which, it’s back to the Bridgerton saga next week, and we’re tackling Eloise’s story.