It's in His Kiss

Hyacinth's Story

If you wanna know
If he loves you so
It's in his kiss
(That's where it is)
Oh, it's in his kiss
(That's where it is)

Julia Quinn is a Cher fan, and you can’t convince me otherwise.

We start in Prologue territory, same as always. It’s 1815 and young Gareth St. Clair has been summoned home from Eton for a meeting with his father, Baron St. Clair. Gather is apprehensive because he and his father do not get along, like, at all. Do you smell another hero with daddy issues because I do. The baron is a very nasty character, indeed, and the depth of his hatred for his younger son is made apparent right away. Gareth is informed that his father has made plans for him to marry the daughter of a neighbouring aristocrat. The family coffers need replenishing and Papa St. Clair is willing to sacrifice Gareth to the task. We shall hereinafter call him Villain Daddy.

Gareth is shocked – he’s 18 and thinking about spring break at Cambridge (or whatever the fancy toff equivalent would be) rather than marriage – but there is more. His intended bride is a person with severe developmental delays of some unspecified nature; “simple” in the parlance of the time. Gareth is now properly horrified because, while he feels sympathy for the poor girl (they’ve known each other since childhood), he can see a lot of problems with this arrangement, starting with, oh I don’t know, CONSENT. Villain Daddy is, all, too bad so sad, the paperwork is signed so this is happening. He also calls the girl an “idiot” and gloats over the extra money her father is paying to be rid of her. F*ck both of these dudes!

Gareth is, like, I absolutely refuse and you can’t make me. Villain Daddy threatens to cut him off, and Gareth double dares him. Then we get another bombshell: Villain Daddy is not Gareth’s biological dad! Someone call Maury!!! Gareth’s mom had an affair, but because she was married to Villain Daddy at the time of Gareth’s birth, Gareth is not considered illegitimate; at law, he is Villain Daddy’s son. Well, that makes things easier – now I don’t have to change the name. To save face, Villain Daddy kept his mouth shut about Gareth’s illegitimacy and made everyone’s life a misery instead. His wife is long dead but Gareth is still around and Villain Daddy likes nothing better than to torment him. Anyway, long story short, Gareth is effectively disowned.

Ten years later

We are a Smythe-Smith musical evening, an event notorious for the terrible quality of the performances. The only people who attend these events are the kind-hearted souls of the ton who don’t want to disappoint the nice-but-not-musically-adept Smythe-Smith ladies. Hyacinth Bridgerton, youngest sibling of the clan, is there with her sister-in-law Penelope, who wasn’t able to convince her husband, Colin, to come. Rude of Colin not to show up in this book, I must say. Back to Hyacinth: she’s 22 which, OF COURSE, means that she’s practically a hag by the standards of the Regency marriage market. She’s also the last unmarried Bridgerton girl, and her mother is getting desperate to find her a husband. Hyacinth has turned down a half dozen proposals, but none appear to be forthcoming this season, her third. Could it be that she will end up … gasp … a SPINSTER? Not if Julia Quinn has anything to do with it. No Bridgerton left unmarried is the motto around here. But we are jumping ahead.

Also at the event is Lady Danbury. Last time we checked in with Lady D, her favourite Bridgerton was Penelope; now, it seems that she has developed a special soft spot for Hyacinth. And vice versa. It’s cute. Also, I am automatically well-inclined to anybody who counts Lady D among their closest friends. Hyacinth visits her every Tuesday to read to her and, really, who doesn’t love a cozy book club? Anyway, Hyacinth’s mother is not the only one looking to fix her up; Lady D is also in on the action because she has blackmailed her favourite grandson to come to this boring event … you know, just for the meet-cute possibilities. The grandson is Gareth, of course, but you already put those 2 together. And they are literally put together because Lady D maneuvers the seating arrangement so that they end up next to each other. Hyacinth discreetly checks Gareth out and gives us a helpful rundown of key information. He is very charming (of course), and good looking (naturally), and prone to inspiring swooning fits in young ladies (sure) and also … OK, you will not believe this … a rake.

SIGH.

Julia Quinn really has a type, and that type is a rake with daddy issues. Can she squeeze another book out of the (stereo)type? We are about to find out.

Anyway, back to Gareth. Hyacinth is quite taken with his Very. Blue. Eyes. And also his … queue??? What in the Regency hell kind of euphemism is that??? But wait, it’s not a euphemism at all! As best as I can tell, a queue is a … little ponytail??? Gareth is a ponytail dude? I am not sure I can get over this, I need a minute.

Ok, I’m back. We will, henceforth, ignore Gareth’s hair entirely and pretend the word “queue” doesn’t exist. I have blocked it out, for my own well-being.

And what about Hyacinth? Well, following a predictably terrible musical interlude, it’s Gareth’s turn to give us a rundown on Miss Bridgerton. She’s pretty and well-liked but young men find her terrifying. Why? Because she’s so intelligent and outspoken, duh! She might as well have 2 heads. We also get caught up on Gareth’s life because exposition is a necessary evil. After the row with his father about that betrothal business, Gareth sought refuge with Lady Danbury, who took him in and paid for his university. He’s her favourite grandson, after all. A small inheritance from his late mother means that he can now rake about town, doing whatever aristocratic rakes do. Mostly nothing, would be my guess. I mean, if the rake in questions has an estate, there is probably some work involved in managing that, but otherwise … they’re probably just jetting around town, dividing their time between gentlemen’s clubs, well-catered soirees, and fancy society balls, probably staying up late and sleeping in every day. Huh. I was going to snark on Gareth for being a non-productive member of society but, on further reflection, productivity is over-rated. Regency rake: decent gig if you can get it.

Back to Gareth, the other important bit of information is that his (half) brother has recently died which means that he is the St. Clair heir now. Things remain complicated, however, because Villain Daddy is still an asshole who hates Gareth. His newest way of showing it is by running up huge debts that Gareth will have to inherit some day. There is also the Damocles Sword of Gareth’s secret parentage, which Villain Daddy continues to dangle over his head. Will he or won’t he reveal the secret? Gareth doesn’t know, but this is surely an obstacle to any courting he might want to do. Maybe being a rake is a default option in the circumstances; plus, it serves to piss off Villain Daddy which is always a bonus.

The day after the Smythe-Smith musical, Gareth is visited by his dead brother’s wife, Caroline. Gareth and his brother had remained close despite the Villain Daddy’s general assholery, and Gareth was very sad when his brother died. He’s also sad for the wife but, don’t worry, we are not about to revisit the plot of When He Was Wicked. Caroline is here to give Gareth a diary she found among his brother’s effects. It belonged to Gareth’s non-Danbury grandmother, Isabella. And, inconveniently for Gareth, it’s in Italian. Isabella had been the daughter of an Italian noble family who had been forced to marry the previous Baron St. Clair who, much like his son (Villain Daddy) was a terrible person. That’s not much of a spoiler alert, but I am getting slightly ahead of the story here. Gareth’s, like, I don’t know Italian so I guess I will take this diary to Lady Danbury – she will know what to do. Too bad Google Translate won’t be invented for another 181 years. Yes, I checked.

Meanwhile, at Lady D’s place, Hyacinth is there for their weekly book club. What that involves is Hyacinth reading from a wonderfully trashy-sounding romance novel while Lady Danbury tries not to fall asleep. Today, however, Lady Danbury has bigger fish to fry; she’s trying to convince Hyacinth to marry Gareth, and she’s got tips on how she can capture his attention. Tip number one? Show him some boob. Lady D does NOT beat around the bush, ahem. Hyacinth is not convinced this will work because “it would require a great deal of imagination to describe her bosom as healthy.” Yikes, girl! But, oh, it gets worse. “Hyacinth knew she wasn’t built like a boy, thank goodness, but nor did she possess attributes that would cause any man to look twice in the area directly below her neck.” WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK?? What do you have against the itty bitty titty community, Julia Quinn? What did small boobs ever do to you? Also, directly below the neck?? Are your tits sitting on your shoulder, Julia?

Thankfully, Gareth shows up and we can move on to a topic less likely to make me throw up in my mouth. After some introductory banter, Gareth gets down to the point: there’s a diary that needs translating. He’s in luck. Hyacinth knows some Italian and offers to help. Well, that was easy; who needs Google Translate?

Hyacinth goes home, where she runs into her mother, who is in her feelings about Hyacinth’s lack of husband. Considering 6 of her 8 kids are married at this point, you would think she might give it a rest; she’s got more grandkids than fingers to count them on. Let the girl live a little! But I guess Violet just wants Hyacinth to be happy and is worried that she will continue her pattern of shutting out any guy she’s interested in, thereby missing her chance to find love. Hyacinth promises to do some self-reflection but, between you and me, she’s more interested in working on the diary translation. Priorities!

Another day, another boring social event. Gareth arrives and wastes no time in walking straight over to Hyacinth. Oooh, what a flirt; tongues will be wagging. Hyacinth ain’t mad about it, though. She’s been thinking about what her mother said and has decided that Violet might have a point. She has kept other men who were interesting at arm’s length because … actually I’m not sure. Something to do with feeling vulnerable.  But! Maybe she’s ready to break out of that pattern … especially since Gareth is starting to look more and more like the kind of guy she’d like to marry. Seeing as how this is a romance novel and we are only 1/3 of the way in, she immediately tries to talk herself out of it, mostly by reminding herself that Gareth’s boned a lot of women. Romance novels’ simultaneous obsession with rakish men AND disapproval of their sexual habits confounds me a little bit. Here, at least, it almost sounds like Hyacinth is concerned about Gareth’s sexual health, which (given the availability of prophylactics in the 1800s) is a better reason than most to worry about someone’s sexual history. HOWEVER, possible exposure to syphilis is something I NEVER want to have to think about while I’m reading a romance novel, so I would prefer if we could just call someone a rake and LEAVE IT AT THAT.

Anyway, the soiree drags on but nothing super exciting happens except that Gareth gets talked by Violet into agreeing to attend a ball at Bridgerton House.

At said ball, Hyacinth is once again subjected to marital speculation by someone she loves. This time, it’s her BFF Felicity Albansdale nee Featherington. Felicity is, like, why don’t you marry Gareth and, OMFG, why are all these people so pressed about Hyacinth marrying this dude? Hyacinth is, all, naaah and Felicity is, like, but why are you acting so weird when we talk about him? MAYBE BECAUSE Y’ALL CAN’T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT! Gareth is dancing with some blonde girlie in the meantime but, don’t worry, it’s Hyacinth he’s trying to look at. She makes the first move by accosting him as he’s coming off the dancefloor. Bold! Surely this won’t help with the tongue which be wagging. Hyacinth has no time to play coy, though; she has diary business to discuss. They go off into a quiet corner together – the tongues, think of the tongues! – and she tells him what she’s managed to translate so far. It’s all about Isabella’s terrible marriage and it’s honestly not that surprising or exciting in the scheme of things.

They’ve just wrapped up and gone their separate ways when Gareth runs into Villain Daddy. Awkward! Villain Daddy proceeds to make things really unpleasant by taunting Gareth about his apparent courtship of Hyacinth. He says that Miss Bridgerton won’t marry a “mongrel” like him no matter how much he runs after her. SEE, I told you tongues were wagging! I mostly blame Hyacinth’s family and friends, who can’t shut up about it, but she and Gareth aren’t helping themselves either. By the way, Villain Daddy drops another juicy tidbit: he doesn’t know who Gareth’s biological father was. Villain Daddy posits it was the chimney sweep – he would say, wouldn’t he – but it could just as easily be some fancy duke. Or even (knowing the habits of the Regent and his brothers during this time) royalty.

Villain Daddy finally wanders off to (probably) annoy some other people, leaving Gareth fuming. Villain Daddy knows how to wind him up TIGHT! Unfortunately, Hyacinth turns up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Gareth decides to work off some anger by roughly kissing Hyacinth – because he’s attracted to her, yes, but also because she happens to be there – without asking if she’s cool with it. GARETH!! He’s, all, she didn’t say no, it’s fine. SHE DIDN’T SAY YES, EITHER, GARETH! Unghhhh. He doubles down by demanding that she kiss him back, and she’s like “I’m trying, dude” which should have been obvious if you weren’t so maul-y about it, eh Gareth? Instead of being apologetic, he suggests that she needs to improve her kissing technique. Umm, I’m pretty sure it’s the other way around. Hyacinth decides to cut her losses and run off.

Later, she’s reflecting on this imbroglio and I must say she’s not nearly as pissed off about it as you might expect. In fact, she seems to think the kiss was not only nice (if you say so, Hyacinth) but also long overdue. Excuse me? Didn’t you two starting chatting, like, 5 minutes ago? Anyway, at least she’s perceptive enough to realize that Gareth had some things on his mind and the kiss wasn’t really about her – he would have jumped on any woman who’d been around in that moment. It’s in his kiss, except when it isn’t. Luckily, Hyacinth has other things to distract her. Yes, it’s the diary. Hyacinth has finally gotten to some entries that are about something other than terrible marriage woes. Isabella has a secret! OOOOOOOOOOH.

Gareth knows he’s done f*cked up and is coming to see Hyacinth to apologize. I hope he has a real good speech prepared because … umm, actually, never mind, Hyacinth doesn’t have time to spare for apologies. There is a secret to dissect. I might as well level with you now: this is not the secret we were all hoping it would be – WHO IS GARETH’S DADDY??? – but rather a thinly disguised plot device that will become very tiresome, very quickly. Isabella hid a bunch of diamonds from her asshole husband and they are somewhere at Clair House, Villain Daddy’s London abode. There is a clue in the diary which suggests a certain location, but it requires on-the-scene reconnoitering. Hyacinth has decided that Villain Daddy is a bastard (no arguments there) and that she would much rather help Gareth steal them. I guess it’s not technically stealing, since Gareth is the heir, so … let’s call it finders keepers. She has one stipulation though: she has to come along when Gareth sneaks into Clair House. Gareth is apoplectic at the idea. They argue but Hyacinth wouldn’t be a Bridgerton if she didn’t know how to win arguments. The caper is on!

That same night, around midnight, Gareth sneaks back into Bridgerton House to pick up Hyacinth for their criminal sexy criminally sexy date. He’s not especially thrilled at the whole idea – and it IS a bad idea, sorry Hyacinth – but he is thrilled by the prospect of snatching some pricey diamonds from under Villain Daddy’s nose. And the thrills keep coming. Hyacinth comes down from her room wearing what I imagine is the Regency version of a cat burglar outfit. She’s wearing BREECHES, friends. Gareth’s eyes pop out of his head. Them breeches are very flattering to Hyacinth’s posterior assets, if you catch my drift. If only Lady Danbury had known that’s all it would take!

Our intrepid couple goes to Clair House to follow the clue from the diary. Since we’re all here for the romance, not the heist, I will summarize this section briefly: they go in, they find the spot, but instead of the diamonds, they find another clue. Of course they do. Because what better than to repeat this whole house-breaking business a few more times. I can’t wait. Then they almost get caught by the butler and have to hide in a wardrobe, all the better for Hyacinth to press her posterior assets against Gareth’s … you get the idea. They manage to resist making out, more’s the shame. Press your advantage when you have the chance, babe. Anyway, they eventually leave without further incident and gloat together about their successful adventure all the way home. Don’t count your chickens diamonds yet.

The next day, Hyacinth is still giddy. There’s the next clue to work out, and she’s also thinking there might be some more kissing in her future. Girl has a two-track mind. She’s waiting for Gareth to come visit again to plan their next steps, but instead her brother Gregory turns up. He clearly needs to work on his sense of timing. They bicker lovingly a bit, because that’s what Bridgertons do when they get together, and Hyacinth sorta admits that she might like to marry Gareth. Yes, this is STILL the family’s No. 1 topic of conversation. I’m starting to think they are all very boring people. Gregory promises not to tell the rest of the family – they would all lose their minds with excitement – but doesn’t miss the opportunity to tease Hyacinth about Gareth in the most annoying brotherly way possible. Hyacinth doesn’t smack him, which shows admirable restraint. By the time Gareth finally turns up, a Bridgerton mini-convention is underway. There is Gregory and Violet, and then Daphne shows up too. Gareth is, like, whoa – Bridgerton overload – but he also secretly likes it because the Bridgertons are everything he never had: a happy, loving family. Aww, poor Gareth. Hyacinth, on the other hand, just wants everyone to buzz off so she can talk to Gareth in private. Considering how intent they all are on marrying these two off, Violet and the fam take an awful long time to get the hint. Finally, Hyacinth manages to get Gareth alone by proposing to go for a walk. Well, not alone alone; the maid is tagging along, at a distance, as a chaperone. I can’t imagine a less fun way to spend the afternoon, even if the alternative is, like, ironing other people's underclothes. Hyacinth bribes the maid with some peppermint sweets so she keeps a good distance away. What, not even a little bit of hard cash? Scam!

Hyacinth and Gareth talk about families. Gareth points out that Hyacinth is really lucky to have hers; he has only one person he loves – Lady Danbury – and when she dies, he will be all alone. Lady D will live forever, shut your mouth Gareth! Also, I am confused. I agree we can exclude Villain Daddy from consideration, but doesn’t Gareth have a bunch of cousins? Lady D has other grandchildren; why doesn’t Gareth get along with them?? In spite of literally ignoring a whole entire family branch or three, he is, like, “family is everything”. I am side-eyeing you, Gareth, but will let this pass because this is the moment when Hyacinth realizes that, yes, this is the man she will marry – he knows what’s important in life. Of all the conclusions Hyacinth has jumped to in this book, deciding to marry someone because you share the same values is by far the most sensible.

Things are going really well so, of course, Villain Daddy has to turn up at this precise moment. Hyacinth is, like, let’s avoid him, yeah? But Gareth's, like, nah and tries to play it cool. It backfires because Villain Daddy knows how to push his buttons and Gareth hasn’t yet figured out how not to react (and poorly at that) every time. Villain Daddy is all subtweets about the usual topics – Gareth is a bastard, Hyacinth will dump him once she finds out, etc. Hyacinth can’t quite follow the subtext but girl knows it's there. Something is most definitely up. Gareth is silently enraged, again. Villain Dady saunters away, pleased with the afternoon’s work.

Back at Bridgerton House, Hyacinth won’t let Gareth stomp off in a huff. She invites him in and tries to console him about Villain Daddy being an asshole. Kind of obvious but everyone appreciates some validation, yeah? It dawns on Gareth that it would be easy to love Hyacinth. He kisses her again, but nicely this time. And then, just like that, he decides he wants to marry her. He likes her (good), he likes kissing her (also good), plus it would totally ruin Villain Daddy’s day … NO, WAIT! That’s, like, a very very very bad reason, Gareth. Go back to the drawing board! Have you considered whether you, OH I DON’T KNOW, love Hyacinth?? But, no, it doesn’t matter. Gareth is a man on a mission. He leaves abruptly …

… and goes straight to Anthony. Anthony is Viscount Bridgerton, head of the family. I know you remember him because Anthony is impossible to avoid in any Bridgerton novel. Gareth tells Anthony that he wants to marry Hyacinth. Anthony is, all, PRAISE THE LORD! He is positively giddy at the prospect that his last unmarried sister will finally be off his hands. Like … really really REALLY excited. Quite possibly more excited than Gareth himself. Anthony never did have any chill. Gareth is puzzled at this rather unseemly display of brotherly gloating, and I don’t blame him. He’s in for some whiplash too because next he’s subjected to the other side of Anthony’s lack of chill: not-so-subtle threats of bodily harm if Gareth isn’t a good husband to Hyacinth. I am feeling some unpleasant déjà vu – please, not a repeat of The Duke and I! Do you want him to marry your sister, Anthony, or don’t you? Make up your mind. Luckily, Gareth is not easily intimidated. Anthony is well-informed (or perceptive) enough to ask if Villain Daddy is likely to cause problems with this betrothal, and Gareth agrees that it's a possibility. It’s Anthony’s turn not to be easily intimidated. I’m guessing it’s because he’s got more money than Villain Daddy and also, doesn’t an viscount outrank a baron? Not bothering to fact check, we’ll take that as a given. To be honest, in a match between Villain Daddy and Anthony – wealth and titles aside – my money’s on Bridgerton.

This whole interview has turned out quite well for Gareth – considering he has almost no fortune and a sh*t reputation, while Hyacinth has a generous dowry and a very well-connected set of relatives, she is way out of his league, tbh – but he simply can’t let well enough alone. No, he comes up with a terrible new idea. He doesn’t want to take any chances that Villain Daddy will spoil things by revealing that Gareth is not his son, so he will A) try to rush along the wedding as much as possible, and B) as extra insurance, compromise Hyacinth as soon as possible. UGH, GARETH!!!! He will tell Hyacinth about his parentage, but only after they’re married and she’s basically trapped. Deceit, the secret sauce to a happy marriage.

Meanwhile Hyacinth is at Lady Danbury’s for their weekly book club. She can’t really focus on the book she’s supposed to be reading because she’s still thinking about Gareth’s kiss earlier. But she does start to pay attention when there’s a bit in the book where the heroine is told by her dying mother that “if you want to know if a gentleman loves you … it’s in his kiss.” I sh*t you not. And how convenient. Hyacinth has a lightbulb moment. It’s in his kiss!!!! Gareth’s (second) kiss!!! It was a good kiss so it can only mean that … She doesn’t need to process this any further because Gareth turns up and proceeds to ask her to marry him. Hyacinth is speechless but Lady D is not and immediately accepts. Umm, I think he asked Hyacinth? Hyacinth also says yes but first she would like to know why he asked. Lady Danbury takes the hint and leaves so they can have some privacy. But we never circle back to Hyacinth’s question. She and Gareth make out again and then he leaves. Lady Danbury asks Hyacinth if she got an answer. Hyacinth is, like, “actually, nnnnnno” *frowny face* I’m sure it just slipped his mind and he totally has a good answer for why he wants to marry you and it has nothing whatsoever to do with Villain Daddy. 100%. Nothing to worry about.

Later that night, Gareth puts his seduction plan into motion. He sneaks into Hyacinth’s house after midnight but instead of taking her back to Clair House to look for the diamonds, as previously arranged, he takes her … straight to pleasure town. Hyacinth is into it. They’re going to get married anyway, why not get a little preview of the married menu? Not that I want to quibble with this – get it, Hyacinth! – but the Bridgertons seem awfully comfortable with the idea of pre-marital sex considering they’re an aristocratic family in the 1800s. Historical accuracy, we don’t know her. Gareth and Hyacinth bang.

Ok, look, we are in Book 7 of 8 and it’s time we talked about this: I hate sex scenes in romance novels. Please allow me to elaborate. I hate sex scenes in general because A) it takes special skill to write them well, which even good writers are not guaranteed to possess, and B) “good sex” is a really subjective thing. Even a skilled writer is making a guess about what the reader is going to find sexy, and there is nothing more un-sexy than sex that isn’t one’s cup of tea. Give me enough to get the imagination going, and I’ll do the rest myself, thanks. I don’t need the birds and bees mapped out and diagrammed for me. The other thing I find cringy about sex scenes in historical romance novels specifically is the fact that they almost always involve the woman losing her virginity AND ALSO almost always having an orgasm on the first try. This never doesn’t strain credulity and it always takes me out of the story. I think it’s also why there are so many rakes in these novels; the only way this scenario can be even remotely possible is if the man is extremely experienced. I don’t hate the rake/sexual innocent dynamic in principle (provided the age difference isn’t too egregious and the writer doesn’t completely ignore consent issues) but it does get repetitive.

Anyway, Gareth and Hyacinth bang and everyone has a happy ending. Great. Hyacinth is pretty hyped and ready to get some jewel heisting under her belt too. Gareth’s, like, really? Now? But Hyacinth won’t be put off, so they head back to Clair House to look for, what else, another clue. So many bloody clues. It’s really all just an excuse to run into Villain Daddy again, because it’s been five minutes since he twirled his (metaphorical) mustachios and made our hero miserable. They run into him on the street in the middle of the night, so Gareth pushes Hyacinth into an alley to avoid being caught in a compromising situation. Sure, that’s a great idea. Not like the back alleys of 19^th century London are teeming with criminals, or anything. The not-daddy/son convo goes as well as you might expect. Villain Daddy gloats that he knew he could manipulate Gareth into asking Hyacinth to marry him. It’s not entirely clear why, but probably so he can then proceed to ruin the wedding. Oh, remember that threatened betrothal to the neighbour’s daughter? Turns out, it was never actually canceled. Something, something, papers signed, betrothal’s binding. Checkmate? I was briefly excited by this development – a legal question as a key plot point? YES, please. But, spoiler alert, it turns out to be a nothingburger. More on that later.

Daddy Villain’s, all, my job here is done, and heads home. Gareth looks for Hyacinth but – oh no – she has disappeared. He panics. Serves him right. However, it turns out that she just ran home and wasn’t in fact abducted by criminals lurking in the back alley. He catches up to her, but she slams the door in his face. Good! Instead of getting the hint – she doesn’t want to talk to you right now, dude! – he climbs up to her bedroom window and barges in. They have an argument that somehow doesn’t wake up anyone else in the house. Gareth is mad that Hyacinth ran off alone – NOW he remembers the streets of London are dangerous, hey? – and she’s mad for much better reasons. Like that previous betrothal business? Umm, actually, no. Hyacinth is, like, Anthony will sort that out, he’s rich and a Viscount, he can just pay people off. (See? So much for an interesting legal question after all.) What Hyacinth is mad about is the fact that Gareth only asked her to marry him because Villain Daddy made him, and she feels like a pawn. Also a valid point. Gareth’s all “sorry not sorry but I compromised you so now you have to marry me anyway.” Hyacinth’s, like, well, yeah, I’m aware, I’m not stupid. She tells him that she knew what she was doing when she had sex with him but didn’t think she’d ever regret it. Yeesh! Gareth’s gutted but he kinda deserves it.

The next day, Hyacinth has a chat with her mother, who can tell that she’s upset. Violet asks her if she and Gareth had their first lovers’ quarrel. Hyacinth is, like, ummm, it might be slightly more serious. Violet asks her if she wants out of the betrothal. Hyacinth ponders this but decides that she still loves Gareth and wants to stick it out. Violet suggests that, rather than wait around for Gareth to come to her so they can work on their issues, Hyacinth should make the first move. Good advice in principle but if I were Hyacinth I would let him stew for a while longer. I guess I’m a petty b*tch.

Meanwhile, Gareth is trying to figure out the best grand gesture to make up for being a d*ck. Being short of money is severely limiting his grand-gesture-making options. Shoulda thought of that before, eh? Anyway, he’s once again saved from having to think too hard because Hyacinth shows up at his apartment. Gareth turns into a prim society lady all of a sudden –  “think of your reputation” – but Hyacinth cuts him off because, let’s face it, it’s all a bit late for that. She means to stick with the engagement. Gareth is relieved. Anyway, Hyacinth isn’t there to hash that out; she’s there to talk about the diamonds. Ugh, those bloody diamonds again. The clue they managed to find on their last trip to Clair House turns out to have been written in Slovenian and if you thought Italian would be hard to translate, good luck with this. They discuss how to proceed with deciphering the clue, and God, I am so bored of this plot! Eventually, they circle back to the whole “why did you marry me” question. Gareth deflects AGAIN by finally revealing that he’s not Villain Daddy’s son and he doesn’t know who his real father is. Hyacinth takes this in stride, I assume because she’s relieved she won’t have to wade into Villain Daddy’s gene pool. Gareth is worried that her family might have other ideas, but she assures him that her family is probably not going to be too pressed about it (remember Sophie?). Also, it’s not like Villain Daddy is likely to tell the world the truth, because that would mean admitting that he’d been a cuckold and Villain Daddy would never.

Having cleared THAT up, Gareth and Hyacinth have another make-out session. Ummm, aren’t we forgetting something? Gareth STILL hasn’t told you why he asked you to marry him, girlie. But, okay, he’s going down on her instead and that’s something. And he gives her a present; he drew a portrait of her, wearing some fabulous diamonds. Get it? Because he can’t buy her real diamonds. And they still haven’t found Isabella’s diamonds. Oh, good, we’re back to that again. Hyacinth is very touched by the portrait and almost says “I love you” first. Girl, make him work for it! Instead, she tells him she wants to keep looking for the diamonds. SIIIIIIGH. Gareth’s like, fine but I’ll go alone next time. Please, God, let it be the last time!

Next day, Hyacinth is at Lady Danbury’s again. They are reading a new novel, but it’s so boring that Lady D decides to have a little nap instead and Hyacinth decides she’d much rather read the diary. I can’t believe we are THIS far into the story before she finally does the obvious thing and SKIPS AHEAD TO THE YEAR OF GARETH’S BIRTH. Then Lady D wakes up again. No! Go back to sleep! We are finally getting somewhere. But the diary will have to wait. We get a heartwarming little moment when Lady D tells Hyacinth that she’s always considered herself Hyacinth’s grandmother, and has been waiting for Hyacinth to make it official. Awwwww!

It's midnight again, which means Hyacinth is somewhere she shouldn’t be – Gareth’s apartment, again. Gareth is mad because she walked over alone, at night, but are you really surprised anymore, Gareth? It’s, like, the umpteenth time this has happened. But! Getting stroppy is just what he needed to finally access his real feelings: he’s in love with her. Hyacinth is elated. It’s lovey-dovey time, then Hyacinth drops the REAL secret of the diary: Gareth’s real father was … drumroll please … Villain Daddy’s younger brother, Edward. Ok, so not a fancy duke but definitely better than a chimney sweep. Gareth realizes that Edward had probably known that Gareth was his son – he had always been extra nice and spent time with him when Gareth was little – but hadn’t said anything to avoid hurting Gareth’s mom and causing a scandal. Edward had been killed in battle years before at Trafalgar, which means Gareth will never get to know his father. Sad. 

With that bombshell out of the way, Gareth and Hyacinth have sex AGAIN and then decide to go to Clair House in search of the diamonds AGAIN. It’s like groundhog day with these two. I bet you will never guess what’s coming next. That’s right, they run into Villain Daddy AGAIN. I guess we should call him Villain Uncle now. Anyway, Gareth realizes that he doesn’t care about Villain Uncle anymore. Villain Uncle will never push his buttons, ever again. All fine and good but Gareth is still a little bit of a petty b*tch (and who can blame him) and decides to tell Villain Uncle the truth about how he’d been cuckolded by his own brother. Cold! I like it. Villain Uncle disappoints us all by not having a gigantic meltdown about it. He’s just, like, “marry that girl, you’ll need the money” and goes off. Rude AND anticlimactic. I don’t like it. Thanks for nothing, Villain Uncle.

With the air thus cleared, Gareth proposes again, this time for the right reasons. He needs money. JUST KIDDING! He’s in love with Hyacinth, blah blah blah. The end.

The epilogue lets us know that Gareth and Hyacinth had a non-shotgun wedding after all. No one made a fuss about the prior betrothal. They had 2 kids, George and Isabella, and Villain Uncle did everyone a solid and died. Gareth inherited the baron title and not much else, but it turns out he’s pretty good at managing (Hyacinth’s) money so the St. Clairs are doing alright. Not alright is Hyacinth’s ongoing obsession with finding Isabella’s diamonds which – OH MY GOD – they still haven’t found. I AM SO OVER THIS PLOT!!! And then the 8-year old Isabella finds them by accident and proceeds NOT TO TELL ANYONE which serves them all right.

But then!

There is a second epilogue and it’s, like, 11 years later and Hyacinth is STILL LOOKING FOR THE DIAMONDS. ARGGHHHHH!!! Isabella is 19 and making life difficult for her mother by refusing to get married. Just like her mother did all those years before, see? And Hyacinth is impatient for her to marry, just like Violet had been. It’s all very stupid, if you ask me. Anyway, I bet Hyacinth would be even more mad if she knew that Isabella had not only found those f*cking diamonds years ago, but also basically forgotten about them at the bottom of a drawer somewhere. Good thing Hyacinth doesn’t know. Isabella finally figures out that her mom has been looking for the diamonds for MORE THAN TWENTY GODDAMN YEARS and feels bad about the whole thing, and puts them back in the old hidey hole for Hyacinth to FINALLY find, Praise the Lord. The end, for real.

Next week: all about Gregory, the last of the (unmarried) Bridgertons!