Romancing Mister Bridgerton

Colin's Story

Romancing Mister Bridgerton

Penelope Featherington is just a girl, standing at the beginning of the Prologue, asking it to be nice to her. Prologues rarely are, but this one is at least a mixed bag. What’s nice? Penelope is 16 and newly in love. Not so nice? The young man she’s in love with doesn’t love her back. And he continues not to be in love with her for the next 11 years. Eleven. Years. That’s a long time to stand around, waiting to be noticed.

The man Penelope loves is Colin Bridgerton, and she falls in love with him after a rogue wind-blown bonnet smacks him in the face and makes him fall off his horse into a mud puddle. Why would she fall in love with him under such inauspicious circumstances? Because he’s a really good sport about the whole thing and doesn’t take himself too seriously. He’s also tall, gorgeous, witty, dashing, and popular, which I am sure doesn’t hurt either. Unfortunately, Penelope immediately knows that he will never, ever, ever fall in love with a girl like her. Why? Because Penelope is none of those things: not gorgeous, not witty, not dashing, and most definitely not popular. Penelope is the quintessential wallflower. She’s also the possessor of self-esteem low enough to give my teenage self some serious competition. Penelope, c’est moi.

By now, we have had glimpses of Penelope in some of the other Bridgerton books, but this one is quick to reacquaint us with her many “imperfections”. At 17, during her first season, she’s 30 lbs too heavy, an “ugly girl with no personality” who feels lost for words whenever she’s around other people. Even though she’s meant to be looking for a husband, her mother insists on dressing her in bad clothes and colours that clash with her complexion (yellow and red) which leave her looking like – in the words of Lady Whistledown, of whom much more will be said later – an “overripe citrus fruit”. Guys, minus the husband-hunting and kinda-awful mother, all this stuff might as well have been ripped from my teenage journal. Did I mention that Penelope has red hair? GAH!

I’m going to be over-shary right off the bat and say that reading this book gave me constant flashbacks to how absolutely awful I was to myself when I was younger; picking apart how I looked, how I talked, how few friends and absolutely no boyfriend I had. Penelope’s issues are almost too relatable. As a 42-year old Woman Who Has Worked On Things In Therapy, I found myself constantly wanting to give Penelope a hug AND tell her to stop engaging in negative self-talk and self-sabotage. But, easier said than done, right?

The year Penelope comes out, a couple of other noteworthy things happen: Lady Whistledown starts her gossip column, and Penelope becomes best friends with Eloise Bridgerton. The latter development brings her into closer orbit to Colin, although this only leads to a deepening of Penelope’s unrequited love. Penelope goes through several more seasons without any suitors – even though she loses weight and is, as the book takes pains to point out, now merely “pleasantly plump” and not “hideously pudgy”. Hmmmmm. I can’t decide whether with all this constant harping on Penelope’s weight and its impact on her perceived attractiveness, Julia Quinn is trying to call out the internalized fatphobia that is drummed into young women by society OR reinforcing said fatphobia. Either way, I hate it.

While her older *non-pudgy* (eyeroll) sisters, Prudence and Philippa, both eventually get married – despite having no personality whatsoever according to the book – the closest that Penelope gets to a proposal is when Colin loudly announces that he will ABSOLUTELY NOT marry Penelope Featherington under any circumstances. You will remember that delightful episode from Benedict’s story. Here, we get Penelope’s POV and it’s basically as awful as you might imagine except for the part where Anthony is nice to her. In case you’re counting, this is the second time that Anthony took time out of his busy Viscount schedule to be nice to Penelope, and it’s one of the reasons why I am occasionally prepared to call Anthony the second best Bridgerton brother.

Turns out that following the aforementioned debacle, Colin spent a lot of time traveling outside the country. I guess that’s one way to deal with a foot-in-mouth incident; personally, I prefer reliving such incidents in excruciating detail at 3:00 AM in the middle of a random night five years later. Anyway, whenever Colin returns home for short stints, he makes a point of being nice to Penelope and always asking her for a dance when they meet at social functions. Also a valid way to work off some guilt, I guess.

Twelve Years Later

Lady Whistledown, as always, has the hottest goss: Colin Bridgerton is back in town, again. Mrs. Featherington is very excited about this, because she has always hoped to marry one of her girls to a Bridgerton and, well, they’re running out of Bridgertons so Colin will have to do, even though he’s a good dozen years older than her remaining eligible daughter, Felicity. Isn’t Penelope still single too? Yes. Yes, she is. But Mrs. F doesn’t think Colin (who is 33) would ever want to marry (A) any 28-year old spinster, and (B) Penelope specifically. So, Felicity will need to be the one to fulfill this particular maternal ambition, even though she’s already more or less engaged to some other guy and, critically, is happy to be engaged to said other guy. It hit me, as I was writing this, that Penelope’s mother is a lot like Mrs. Bennett from Pride & Prejudice – a little bit vulgar, a lot ambitious, and probably a nightmare to her future son-in-law. Except that I don’t recall Mrs. Bennett ever talking down any of the girls … maybe Mary? In summary, Mrs. Featherington < Mrs. Bennett.

Eloise drops in to visit Penelope and tell her that Colin is back, but Penelope already knows; she heard it from Felicity, who heard it from Hyacinth Bridgerton. Those two are besties, just like Eloise and Penelope. Who needs Lady Whistledown when you have the Featherington-Bridgerton network working for you? Put a pin in that, hey? Eloise and Penelope are so tight – and both terminally single – that they’ve made a pact to set up a household together when they both turn 30. How very progressive! If this were any other Bridgerton brother’s story, I would be rooting for this book to end with Eloise and Penelope running an organic farm in the Cotswolds together.

Meanwhile, Colin and Anthony are drinking brandy and having a brotherly chat. Anthony is getting impatient with Colin’s constant traveling and thinks it’s time he settled down. Because he’s 33, yeah? Which would be crone territory if Colin were a woman, but prime marrying age for a rich dude. Blech, the 1800s. Colin insists he’s happy and TOTALLY not running away from any problems by traveling all the time. He just, umm, needs to get away now and then, or maybe all the time. Mostly, he’s trying to get away from English society and its lack of opportunities for younger sons; unless you count the military and the clergy, which Colin doesn’t, there isn’t much for him to do at home. This, friends, is Colin’s Big Issue. I’m pretty sure I had 2 different quarter-life crises before I turned 30, so I can relate. Also – NO DADDY ISSUES!! Huzzah! Anthony imparts some advice to Colin, which is to keep his eyes open for a potential wife at their mother’s upcoming birthday party. That’s NOT helpful advice, Anthony, but thanks for playing.

It's Violet’s birthday, and there is a big party. Penelope is enjoying the best prerogative of spinsterhood: eating desserts with impunity. Colin turns up and they have a nice, borderline flirty chat. Somehow, the dessert ends up in a planter – waste! – but the long and short of it is that Colin is surprised to realize that, contrary to popular wisdom, Penelope has a dry wit and is very intelligent. She’s also more attractive than he remembered, although “not a beauty by any stretch” and the kind of attractive that most people wouldn’t notice. Oof. This kind of negging-adjacent bullsh*t really grinds my gears. I don’t know about you, but whenever I see someone whom I find attractive, I have never in the history of ever  thought to myself “hmm, not a beauty by any stretch, but I’d still like to get into their pants.” Is measuring your prospective partner against an arbitrary beauty standard – and, to be clear, not YOUR own standard because YOU think they’re hot – a common thing that well-adjusted people do? Why does this keep happening in romance novels? Why can’t we just have Colin think “hmm, don’t remember Penelope being so attractive, I must have been blind before” or something to that effect? Sigh. I loved this book and I’m willing to cut it a LOT of slack, but stuff like this is worthy of some major side-eye.

Deep breath. Moving on.

Colin asks Penelope to dance and her insecurities are, like, hello, you called? She tells him that he doesn’t have to pity-dance with her anymore; she’s a spinster firmly on the shelf now. Colin is guilty as charged insofar as pity-asking in the past, but this time he’s asking because he really wants to dance with her. It will take a lot more reassurance to lay Penelope’s lack of self-esteem to rest, but it’s a start. They dance. Afterwards, Colin spots Lady Danbury heading their way and panics. This is the common and generally correct response to Lady Danbury’s arrival on scene. Lady Danbury does not suffer fools gladly, and Colin is still in his “occasionally foolish” chrysalis stage. He hasn’t fully evolved into an emotionally mature butterfly yet, is what I’m saying. Colin bribes Penelope to stay with him so he doesn’t have to face Lady Danbury alone. It doesn’t much matter; Lady D proceeds to mock him anyway. After telling him to his face that he’s not as bright as Penelope, she asks how much he offered to pay Penelope so she wouldn’t leave. Colin’s flummoxed so his best (weak) comeback is suggesting it’s impolite to talk about money in a social setting. Lady Danbury is unbothered – at her age, she can do almost anything she likes. Penelope wonders what it is that Lady Danbury can’t do, which is precisely the kind of inquisitiveness that Lady D finds refreshing. If Penelope and Eloise’s farm project doesn’t work out, I think Lady Danbury and Penelope should go on a road-trip together, Thelma and Louise style.

Meanwhile, all the fashionable people are complaining about how boring the season is. Lady Danbury has an idea to make it a little more exciting. How many mysteries are there in life, she wonders out loud. Colin stage whispers “42” and DAMMIT THAT’S WHAT I WOULD HAVE SAID! Douglas Adams fans unite. Anyway, there is about to be one less mystery in the world because Lady D will give one thousand pounds to whoever is able to unmask Lady Whistledown. OOOOOOH!!!

Lady D’s announcement has put the cat among the pigeons, and nobody can talk about anything else. Questioned on the subject, Penelope hypothesizes that Lady Danbury is our infamous gossip, and tells her so to her face. Lady Danbury is absolutely delighted. She is officially a Penelope stan – join the club! – because no one else would dare to say this to her face (even though lots of other people think it). Penelope’s, like, I can’t believe I dared to say it either, tbh. And Lady D is, all, isn’t it nice to discover that we’re not exactly what we thought we were? YES, PENELOPE, ISN’T THAT NICE?

The next day, Penelope is heading to the Bridgertons’ for tea and she has a spring in her step. She’s still pumped about all the nice things that Lady Danbury said to her. We all need a cheerleader, don’t we. Anyway, Colin is coming to the house too and spots Penelope who appears to be … dancing … or something … and he’s in a larky mood so he’s, like, “hey, dance with me here in broad daylight on the street!” Penelope is tempted – it’s hard to say no to the man of your dreams, okay? – but quickly reconsiders. People will get the wrong idea about them. Colin doesn’t get why it would matter if people thought they were courting. Sigh. Colin is as oblivious to his privilege as, well, most popular, rich white guys tend to be. Penelope patiently explains that he’s the Prom King and she’s the Weirdo, and once people realize that they’re not actually together, everyone will assume he dumped jilted her. Damn, I guess we are working through the ENTIRE catalogue of my teenage insecurities. Cool cool. Colin feels bad; he would hate to hurt Penelope, not just because she’s his sister’s BFF but also because she’s a really nice girl. So he apologizes for having been insensitive and asks if they can start again. That’s better, Colin!

Tea time. The Bridgerton ladies’ contingent is there in full force (minus Francesca and Sophie) and everyone is talking about Lady Danbury’s challenge. Look, I know it’s important to the story, but all the back and forth about Lady Whistledown’s identity is really boring. WE ALL KNOW IT’S PENELOPE, OKAY! Like, it’s really really really really obvious that she is AND it’s also really, really, really obvious that this is going to be the future conflict between our protagonists. Let’s skip all the speculation and try to keep this recap under 6,000 words, deal?

Two days later, Penelope is back at the Bridgertons’ house to visit Eloise. Eloise, however, has forgotten their date and is out with her mom and sister. Penelope is used to being forgotten so she decides to wait. When I tell you that we’re revisiting all of my interpersonal traumas in this book, I do not lie. While Penelope is hanging out, she spots a book that turns out to be Colin’s travel journal. Penelope can’t help having a little sneaky peek, and she is immediately sucked into reading it. Unfortunately, Colin comes back unexpectedly and is NOT impressed. In fact, he’s so mad at Penelope for snooping in his private journal that he manages to slice his hand open with a letter-opener. Umm, considering that getting wet can kill people in romance novels, I don’t even want to think about blood poisoning. I thought we were being subjected to this unlikely overly-dramatic injury as a way of having Penelope demonstrate her nursing skills – always sexy! – but, no. Alas, Penelope’s queasy at the sight of blood. Honestly, same. Just because I would like to imagine that I could competently nurse the hero through an illness or even some minor inconvenience, doesn’t mean I actually could. However, not all is lost. While they’re waiting for Colin to stop bleeding (thoughts and prayers!), Penelope works up the courage to tell him that she thinks his writing is good. Nay, brilliant. So brilliant, in fact, that she couldn’t stop reading. This is a rather clever way to make Colin forget about the snooping but Penelope actually means it. Colin can’t get enough of her compliments and keeps pumping her to tell him more and, again, this is so very relatable. It’s me, I am Colin.

The fact of the matter is, Colin hates being known simply as a charming young man without any particular calling, but he doesn’t know what to do with his life. He enjoys traveling (and writing about it) but that’s not, like, a real job, is it? A bazillion travel influencers would like to have a word. Clearly, Colin is just ahead of his times. Penelope doesn’t have any patience with Colin’s quarter life crisis, though. She tells him that if he wants a direction, he can just pick one; he’s young, wealthy and a man – he can literally do whatever he wants. Colin sulks that it’s not that easy. It’s totally that easy, my guy. Penelope’s, like, whoa: I didn’t realize that you were a petulant man baby. Next time Colin’s feeling sorry for himself, he should try being a spinster. She sweeps out with the bittersweet satisfaction of knowing she’s right and that her dream guy is a bit of a man baby.

Colin feels bad, as he should. He’s worried that he’s harmed their friendship, as he should. He remembers how he f*cked up that other time when he yelled that he didn’t want to marry Penelope while she was right there to hear it. That was also bad. Sit with that, Colin. Maybe next time you won’t be such a brat. He decides to go to a Smythe-Smith musical soiree that evening because he knows Penelope will be there and he wants to apologize to her.

We’re at the soiree where music goes to die. Penelope is there with her sister, Felicity, and they are joined by Eloise and Lady Danbury. There is some further discussion about who Lady Whistledown might be and, let me tell you, Lady Danbury is TOTALLY ONTO PENELOPE. But she won’t come out and say it because Lady Danbury’s role in this book is to get Penelope to claim her own power. Penelope is not ready to do that … yet. Colin turns up and asks Penelope to take a turn with him. That is not a euphemism; they literally just walk around the room together. I guess that’s what people did before coffee dates were invented. Anyway, he apologizes – it was rude of him to complain about his non-problems to Penelope. Penelope is, like, look it’s okay to feel your feelings but if you’re frustrated with your life, change it. Guys, this is the most mature conversation any 2 protagonists have had in 5 books and counting. Penelope thinks that Colin should publish his journals. Colin’s, like, nobody will read them, wah wah wah. To be fair, this is me every time I’m about to hit publish on Substack. This book is like a love story between my two personalities. I don’t even know whose side I’m on right now.

Two days later, Colin goes to visit Penelope, probably to fish for some more compliments. Writers: we are insatiable! Actually, no: Colin wants to talk to Penelope about his suspicions that Eloise is Lady Whistledown. Boooooring. This entire sub-sub-plot is actually a set-up for Eloise’s story; the key fact you need to remember is that she’s always got inkstains on her hands and locks herself in her room for hours on end. What could she be doing in there? Writing letters to a secret pen pal, perhaps? I’m not telling. Not right now, anyway; come back next week and we’ll see. Anyway, the reason why Colin is all worked up about Eloise possibly being Lady Whistledown is because he’s convinced that she would be ruined if the truth came out. Everyone hates Lady Whistledown, ergo everyone would hate Eloise. In fact, even if Eloise isn’t Lady Whistledown, but people end up speculating that she is, that would be bad. Something, something, the power of words and innuendo. Colin decides to illustrate this concept by hypothesizing that if he told people that he kissed Penelope, she would be instantly compromised. What a totally random example! Totally doesn’t have anything to do with Colin’s sudden urge to kiss Penelope or anything. No, siree.

But now Penelope wants to ask Colin for a favour. Colin’s spidey senses are screaming, but he says yes anyway. Penelope asks him to kiss her. Colin’s shocked Pikachu face almost makes her take it back, but then she’s, like, dammit, no, all my life I’ve never told people what I want, and I’m gonna start NOW. Awww, Lady D would be so proud. But Penelope’s insecurities are a long way from being dismantled. She rushes to assure Colin that the kiss wouldn’t mean anything, she’s just never been kissed and doesn’t want to die a virgin unkissed. Never Been Kissed shoutout!! Guys, when I tell you that Penelope is my teenage alter-ego, I am exaggerating zero percent.

Colin, being the nice guy he is, decides to oblige. Except once he starts kissing Penelope, he’s SUPER INTO IT. Penelope is also into it, which makes him even hornier. She’s suddenly a siren, a goddess, the soft and lush babe of his dreams and, okay, this is MUCH BETTER. There’s a bit a groping and Colin’s, like, you can kiss me too. Penelope’s, all, how do? Colin tells her to just get as freaky as she wants. Not exactly in those words, but you get the gist. We are into it. Then, suddenly, it all goes to sh*t because – you guessed it – Penelope’s insecurities decide she’s having too good of a time. Penelope starts wondering if Colin is pity-kissing her and looks for reassurance. Colin can’t admit to himself that he’s horny for Penelope Featherington, wallflower extraordinaire, so instead of being honest with himself and Penelope, he just ups and leaves. He hates himself for it but, honestly, Colin doing something dumb and feeling bad about it is getting REALLY OLD.

Colin goes home in a bad mood and proceeds to be a d*ck to Eloise over that whole Lady Whistledown thing. It’s like Anthony is rubbing off on him or something. And that is generally not a good thing!

At the next ball, everyone is abuzz because Lady Whistledown has just announced her retirement. Lady Danbury wants to talk about it with Penelope, but Penelope is only interested in looking around for Colin. Lady D is, like, girl, forget him – we’ll find you someone better. Penelope is her favourite person right now, and Lady Danbury would like to exercise her matchmaking skills to help Penelope find her happy-ever-after. Awww! Penelope reminds Lady D of herself. Awwwwwwwwwww!! Penelope can’t believe it – she’s always been the pudgy awkward girl and so shall forever remain … um. Penelope? Babe? Stop. Just stop. At the risk of sounding like some sh*tty HomeSense wall decal, YOU ARE BOSS B*TCH PENELOPE FEATHERINGTON AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT! You are goddamn Lady Whistledown and you have all of the ton by its balls. Step. Into. Your. Power.

Penelope doesn’t have the chance to do any of that because Cressida Twombley nee Cowper, aka the Regina George who has been tormenting Penelope for years (including in The Viscount Who Loved Me as you may recall), steps up to the mic and drops a bombshell: she is Lady Whistledown. Penelope is, like, MOTHERF*CKER YOU DIDN’T JUST DO THAT!

Colin comes over to apologize to Penelope about the whole kissing debacle but his timing sucks because all anyone, including Penelope, can focus on right now is Cressida’s surprise announcement. Lady Danbury doesn’t believe it. If she’s expecting Penelope to finally admit the truth, though, she’s gonna be disappointed. Still, Lady Danbury tries. When Cressida slithers up to ask for her reward (for “unmasking” Lady Whistledown), Lady D pushes Penelope: what does she think, is Cressida the true Lady Whistledown or not? Penelope is sick to her stomach but she’s afraid to speak out. Colin notices she’s looking a bit green, so he grabs her hand and asks her if she wants to leave. Penelope is grateful for an escape … but then at the last moment manages to locate her spine and tells the assembled audience that she thinks Cressida is lying. Cressida doesn’t appreciate being insulted by a “nobody” but Lady Danbury doesn’t care. Before she’ll give Cressida a single penny, she needs to see some evidence. Nobody is happy except Colin, who’s been holding Penelope’s hand for the last 5 minutes.

The next day, however, he realizes that he still hasn’t properly apologized to Penelope about the kiss situation so he goes to see her. He catches a glimpse of her getting into a hired coach and decides to follow her into the City to find out what she’s up to. Long story short: Colin discovers that Penelope is Lady Whistledown. Penelope is besides herself when she realizes that Colin knows. He pulls her into his own carriage to take her home – the long way, so he can lecture her like she’s some naughty toddler. He’s mad that she’s been taking all sorts of risks going into the City without a chaperone – which is a very Anthony thing to worry about so we’ll ignore it – and also because he thinks she’s been laughing at him this whole time while he was trying to figure out if Eloise was Lady Whistledown. Penelope swears she would never. Colin wants Penelope to let Cressida take the blame for being Lady Whistledown but Penelope can’t – it’s not blame as far she’s concerned, it’s credit. Colin can’t wrap his head around that – never mind that this is none of his business anyway. Does Penelope want to be ruined? Does she want the ton to ostracize her? Penelope doesn’t care about that because she’s been invisible to the ton her entire life. She tells Colin not to bother denying it either, because she knows he would only be denying it out of guilt -- the thing which motivates all of his interactions with her. Ouch! While she’s on a roll, she also tells him that he always runs away from responsibilities and that it’s high time he did something grown-up. Like get married. Penelope, babe, I was with you until the marriage part. I’m pretty sure Colin should grow up first and then get married.

Then we’re back to the Lady Whistledown thing. Penelope is proud of her work and damned if she’s going to let Regina George take it away from her. Plus, she points out, Cressida wasn’t immediately ruined when she told everyone she was Lady Whistledown, was she. Colin’s foot-in-mouthitis strikes again, and he says, well, that’s different. Because, you know, Cressida is popular and … Penelope’s, like, thanks, got it. She’s devastated that Colin doesn’t believe in her and that he can’t see past the ugly duckling. Colin FINALLY regains his wits and tells Penelope that she’s not ugly – she’s beautiful and he doesn’t understand how she can’t see that. UMMM, BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS BEEN ACTING LIKE SHE’S INVISIBLE AND?OR UGLY FOR TWELVE F*CKING YEARS, SHE JUST TOLD YOU THAT, COLIN!! But it’s ok because Colin is ready to make up for lost time and start acting on all those feelings he’s been having lately for Miss Featherington. They start making out like they’re inside a stationary carriage in the hull of the Titanic or something. Hot!

Unfortunately, they are in a moving carriage, and that carriage has reached its destination. They’re in front of Penelope’s house. Penelope’s, like, damn, I was enjoying that, can we just go for another spin … but, no, it’s too late. Someone has probably already seen the carriage so they’d better go into the house. Wait, they?? That’s right, Colin is coming too. I mean, how else is he going to ask Penelope’s family for her hand in marriage? Penelope falls out of the carriage in utter shock. Colin’s, like, babe, I wouldn’t be embarking on a Titanic make-out sesh with you on a random Tuesday if I wasn’t planning to marry you, now let’s get to stepping. Right now, Penelope wants to know? No better time than the present so yes. Colin doesn’t need a brotherly pep talk to know when it’s time to propose to the love of his life.

Inside the Featherington house, the whole family is assembled. It’s Tuesday – I did tell you that, didn’t I? – which means it’s family reunion time. Tuesday afternoon seems like a weird day to have a big family gathering but ok, I guess these people don’t have jobs. Everyone immediately thinks Colin is there because he’s interested in Felicity, which is such a bizarre leap of logic that I can only surmise the entire Featherington clan is slightly nutty. When Colin asks for her daughter’s hand in marriage, Mrs. F thinks he’s talking about Felicity. Penelope wants to crawl into a hole and die. Colin’s, like, hello, I walked in with Penelope, I am sitting with Penelope, it is clearly Penelope I want to marry, get a freaking clue. Penelope is so overcome when Colin starts listing all the reasons she’s his lobster, she thanks him which … GIRRRRRRRRL! I SAID STOP!

Three days later, Penelope and Eloise check in with each out. Eloise is still writing mysterious letters. We still don’t know what that’s about. She’s happy for Penelope and Colin – her favourite brother, but you already guessed that – but she’s also kinda sad because she always thought that she and Penelope would be the ones growing old together. I guess the organic farm dream is dead. It’s a bittersweet moment. Colin comes in, looking for food and his fiancée – in that order, because Colin is always hungry. Another very relatable trait, tbh. Eloise takes her cue and leaves Colin to his two favourite pastimes: eating and making out with Penelope. He can’t believe his luck: he’s found everything he’s always wanted – passion, friendship, intelligent conversation, and laughs – with Penelope. Come on, say it with me: awwwwww! Is it love, though? Colin’s not sure. He is sure he’d like to have sex with Penelope … maybe even right then and there. They start making out, but then Colin has second thoughts; better not before the wedding. He stops but he makes sure to tell Penelope that it’s not because he doesn’t desire her. That’s actually smart, considering it’s probably something Penelope would assume. We stan sensitive butterfly Colin.

He goes to Daphne to ask for advice about figuring out if he’s in love – how did she know when she fell in love with Simon? Daphne has no idea, she just knew. Super helpful, thanks, Daff. But also, considering how those two got together, maybe asking Daphne for love advice isn’t the best idea.

It’s Colin’s and Penelope’s engagement party. Lady Danbury is thrilled for Penelope – all Penelope had to do to score the best Bridgerton brother was to be herself. Awwww! This nice moment is interrupted by breaking news: Lady Whistledown has published a new column, announcing her un-retirement and denouncing Regina George as a fraud. This was the reason for Penelope’s earlier trip into the City, by the way. Colin is mad – he thought they had agreed that Lady Whistledown would remain retired and allow people to assume Regina George was the guilty party. But Penelope couldn’t do that, even though she knew Colin would be mad; she was wily enough to wait until after their engagement was announced before dropping her little surprise. Playing a little bit dirty, we like to see it. I mean, not as a general rule but here, given it’s previously-doormat Penelope? Yes, we like to see it.

Penelope and Colin leave the party and go home to hash things out. Penelope tells him that she’d hoped he would forgive her, which is her bad – she’s had him on a pedestal this whole time. Ok, fair, but give the guy a chance to catch his breath. Penelope thinks he’s ashamed of her for the whole Lady Whistledown thing. Colin assures her he’s not; he’s just worried that people will want to hurt her if they find out. Colin can’t bear the thought of Penelope getting hurt. Penelope reiterates that she doesn’t care, and that she won’t let someone else have the credit for her life’s work. This is a big “a, ha” moment for Colin, who realizes that his real issue is that he’s … jealous of Penelope for having a legacy, something he hasn’t figured out for himself yet. Big growth moment, we love to see it. He also realizes that he loves Penelope and tells her. He’s ready to beat himself up for not really seeing and appreciating her all the years that he’s known her, but Penelope assures him this isn’t the time for recriminations. It’s the time for … S.E.X.

As an aside, I find it interesting that Julia Quinn saved one of her more realistic “first time” scenes for this book. Penelope is able to enjoy herself but doesn’t come. Which is okay! Figuring out what one likes when it comes to sex and getting off takes time. Figuring out how to pleasure your partner takes time. Colin is determined to try, which is honestly good enough at this stage. Constantly reinforcing the expectation that sex is going to be mindblowing right off the bat – especially when it involves a woman who is a virgin – is one of my least favourite things about this genre of romance novels. Anyway, now that they’ve had sex and can’t wait to do it again, Colin talks their respective moms into moving up the wedding date. Can’t be having no seven-month babies, ya know?

The wedding is magical but Colin won’t take Penelope on a honeymoon right away because he wants to be in London if and when the Lady Whistledown scandal breaks so he can crisis manage on the ground. God, the amount of time devoted to this non-issue is too much. What these two would be better off doing is tackling their other Big Issue. No, not Penelope’s orgasms. Well, not only that. They still need to sort out Colin’s Lack of Direction in Life. After a bunch of predictable back-and-forth – “you should be a writer” / “I’m not a writer” / “but you’re a good writer” / “am not!” / “are too!!” – Colin finally lets Penelope read all his journals and allows himself to be persuaded to publish them. I say this is predictable because it’s a conversation that happens at my house on a regular basis. Writers need a LOT of encouragement, ok? We are very sensitive souls. Anyway, Colin also finally gets around to admitting he’s proud AND jealous of Penelope for being a secret newspaper magnate. Yay, another growth moment. Penelope is happy he’s not ashamed of her. Is this a good time to mention that she’s made a f*ckton of money from Lady Whistledown’s column? Because she has. Some of it (secretly) went to her mom to support Penelope’s (ungrateful) family, some of it went to charity, but most of it is sitting in some fat bank account somewhere. Penelope wants to set up dowries for her future daughters AND pay for her and Colin’s honeymoon. Baller move. Colin’s, like, I will pay for the honeymoon, thankyouverymuch. Penelope’s, like, yeah you will … with the pen money I’ll give you! Get it, pen money: she’s going to give him money so he can go and work on his journals. To his credit, Colin is down with being a SAHD while he figures out his writing career. Pretty progressive for the 1800s if you ask me.

But not all’s well just yet. Regina George has been thwarted in her attempt to con a thousand pounds from Lady Danbury and she really needs the money so … she’s going to blackmail Penelope for ten thousand pounds instead. Penelope is frantic; her best idea is to ask Lady Danbury to tell everyone that she (that is, Lady D) was Lady Whistledown all along. Better for someone she likes to take the credit than goddamn Regina George. She tells Colin her predicament and he’s, like, leave this to me, I got your back. He also makes a nice little speech about how much he loves her, past, present and future. Acts of service AND words of affirmation? Penelope and I both swoon.

Colin assembles the Bridgerton Brigade to help him defeat Regina George. Simon and Anthony get to be useful – having a duke and a viscount on your side when you’re trying to sway public opinion is very helpful – but it’s Colin who really shines. We love a well-executed takedown operation. There’s a big ball at Daphne’s and Simon’s house, and Colin makes a toast to his wife. He loves her, he adores her, he worships the ground she walks on, everybody raise a glass! Everybody does because nobody wants to f*ck with a Bridgerton. Colin lays a MAJOR kiss on Penelope in front of everyone and announces they’ll be leaving early because they’ve got more important things to do at home (banging, he’s talking about banging) … and, oh, by the way, Penelope is Lady Whistledown. MIC DROP!!!!! The Bridgerton Brigade gets the standing ovation started and then everyone joins in because I am telling you, nobody f*cks with the Bridgertons. FIN!!

In the epilogue, Colin’s first book is due to come out any moment. Penelope has her own little project due, but it’s the kind that takes 9 months to gestate. And! She’s thinking about writing a novel. Penelope is finally living our best life. Yay!

There is a second epilogue but it’s mostly about Eloise and her marital adventures so we will cover that next week.