To Sir Phillip, With Love

Eloise's Story

The Prologue introduces us to Sir Phillip Crane, country gentleman and amateur botanist whose main hobby appears to be peas. Yes, peas. He is experimenting with peas, Gregor Mendel-style. Except it’s 1823, so this dude is ahead of the curve. Anyway, he’s got a wife, Marina, and 8-year old twins, Amanda and Oliver. If you are wondering if this is going to be our romantic hero and if so, how, well, the short version is: Marina dies.

Before we go any further, I need to get something out of the way immediately. There is a part of this story that deals with mental illness (depression and PPD) and it isn’t handled very well and I don’t love it and I don’t feel like writing about it. So. I am not going to write about it. It isn’t all that relevant to the story why and how Marina dies; the key point is that Phillip is left a widower with two small kids he doesn’t really know how to parent, and desperately in need of a “managing” woman to help him figure things out.

Enter Eloise Bridgerton.

As a distant relative of the dead Marina, Eloise writes a letter of condolence to Phillip. He decides to write back and the rest is, well … the story we are about to read.

A Year Later

As you will recollect from last week’s newsletter, Eloise has watched her best friend (Penelope) – and intended companion in eternal spinsterhood – marry Eloise’s favourite brother (Colin). She’s very happy for them, but this development has caused Eloise to reconsider her own situation. At 28, she’s received several so-so proposals, but has turned them all down, preferring not to settle for something less than perfect. She’s having second thoughts, however, now that Penelope has abandoned their organic Cotswolds farm dream; maybe a marriage based on mutual respect and companionship, while not as ideal as one featuring love with the perfect partner, would be better than being alone forever? I meannnnnn … it doesn’t sound awful, but then again, neither does a cat and lots of houseplants. As luck would have it, Eloise has just received another proposal, this one rather more unusual than most. Her suitor? Sir Phillip Crane, the man she with whom she’s been secretly corresponding for the past year but whom she has never met. Oh yeah, remember how Colin was all up in Eloise’s business about the ink stains on her hands? Well, that’s what those were about. Okay, so we have, like, the Regency version of internet dating with a side of Sleepless in Seattle. In principle, I am totally down for this, but let’s see how Julia Quinn handles it.

Phillip is Eloise’s guilty pleasure, something she can keep entirely to herself and not have to share with her large, nosy family. Ahem, Colin. At first, Phillip’s suggestion that they meet in person to see if they suit doesn’t appeal to Eloise – why let real life ruin the perfect-on-paper man? Girl, you have a point. But then she reconsiders; the changes happening in the lives of her nearest and dearest have Eloise feeling like life is passing her by and it’s time to take matters into her own hands. She decides to go visit Phillip and figure out if he’s marriage material. Since visiting a random dude at his house unchaperoned wasn’t something that young ladies were supposed to do in the 1820s, Eloise hatches the brilliant plan to sneak away in the middle of the night without giving her family any warning. This will not come back to bite anyone in the ass later, I’m sure.

On her way to Phillip’s house – Romney Hall, fawncy – Eloise runs down the list of things she knows about him. He’s 30, a baronet, Cambridge alum, formerly married to her 4^th cousin, brown hair, green eyes, possessor of all his teeth – I ask you, HOW did this come up in written correspondence, just HOW?? – fan of long walks on the beach rain, hater of fish. I mean … I guess some of that information is relatively useful, but what the hell did they write about for a whole year if that’s all she knows about him? Inquiring minds and all that. Oh, by the way, did I mention that Eloise hasn’t written to tell Phillip that she’s coming to see him? Just a teeny, tiny, minor omission.

Not aware of the chaos that is about to descend on him, Phillip is getting ready for the day. He’s a little bummed out that Eloise never responded to his written quasi-proposal because he’d had her pegged as the perfect solution to all his problems. He needs to get married again, and surely any 28-year old spinster would jump at the chance to marry a financially stable dude with all his own teeth. The reason why he’s so intent on getting remarried is because his kids need a mom. And the reason why he’s willing to marry a total stranger is because no woman in his district is willing to take on the job – what with the fact that these kids are totally traumatized by the death of one parent and the complete emotional disengagement of the other, and therefore present behavioural issues that require a THERAPIST NOT SOME RANDOM STRANGER INSERTED INTO THEIR LIVES. Ahem. This is another part of the story on which we are not going to dwell. Did Julia Quinn imagine Phillip as a sort of cross between an absent-minded professor and Kurt Russell’s character in Overboard? Because, if so, that’s a remix I’m not wild about, tbh. Overboard is a f*cking awful, unsexy movie, fight me.

Phillip’s butler informs him that they have a caller. A female caller, ooh la la! Phillip’s, like, surely you are mistaken, women avoid this place like the plague? The butler’s, like, I don’t know what to tell you, pal, it’s definitely a woman. Phillip gets the shock of his life when he sees her: he has no idea who she is but she’s a total hottie. ‘Tis only the most talkative Bridgerton of all, and if you know this family, you know that’s saying a lot. True to form, Eloise start talking – a lot, and fast – all the while forgetting to actually introduce herself.  She’s nervous, you see, because Phillip is NOT what she expected at all, being a “bear of a man” and kinda aloof. Phillip’s a husky zaddy? I am suddenly picturing Pedro Pascal and this story just became a LOT more interesting. Eloise is silent for a minute (probably contemplating how to get into Pedro’s Phillip’s pants) which gives Phillip the opportunity to ask the important question: WHO ARE YOU, LADY FRIEND?? They finally get the introductions sorted out and Eloise apologizes for barging in unannounced. She’s planning to stay a fortnight and Phillip’s, like, okaaay, cool, I guess. He is way more chill about this than I would have been. Nobody likes surprise guests, especially guests who practically want to move in! Eloise is disappointed because she was expecting someone smooth and charming like Colin and while, yes, don’t we all, I think she needs to cut Phillip some slack in the circumstances.

They go into the parlour to wait for tea to be served, and Eloise evaluates the field. The house looks shabby and neglected, but it can’t be for lack of money since the grounds are magnificent. Eloise is ready to take this as a sign that a woman’s touch is needed about the place. Whoa, there! She’s been in the house for 5 minutes, already thinking about how to redecorate. Meanwhile, Phillip’s still pretty quiet and isn’t offering much in the way of conversation … probably because he can sense that Eloise is evaluating how to rearrange his life from top to bottom. That’s a LOT for a first date. His silence means that Eloise can’t figure him out and she’s annoyed. YOU JUST MET THE GUY, ELOISE, CALM DOWN! Well, things are about to get interesting. A blood curdling scream announces the presence of children somewhere in the vicinity. Eloise is, like, wait what? You have kids? Apparently, it had slipped Phillip’s mind to mention this to the woman he had been hoping to marry FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF GIVING SAID KIDS A MOTHER. There is absent-minded, and then there is just plain neglectful. Eloise grills him about this oversight and Phillip is entirely too defensive about it, which should be a red flag for Eloise: Phillip has Issues About Fatherhood. But put a pin in that for now. Eloise finds out that Phillip didn’t save her letters, and it’s another chink in the Perfect Man image. For his part, Phillip kinda likes how argumentative outspoken Eloise is. Mmmmm, I don’t know, guys. Opposites attract and all that, but these two seem to have nothing in common besides burgeoning mutual lust.

There’s another scream, and Eloise is, like, you’re going to see what that’s about, yeah? Phillip would rather not, but he doesn’t want to reveal his inadequacies as a parent in front of Eloise just yet, so he goes to see what his kids are up to. It turns out that Amanda was screaming because she found a frog in her bed; the frog was in her bed because she put it there, and then forgot about it. I think this is meant to be some cute ragamuffin story, but eww. No, thanks. The twins beg their dad to spend some time with them, but he’s not in the mood. He’s never in the mood. They do annoying things and he doesn’t want to lose his temper with them, so he just ignores them instead. They’re doing annoying things TO GET YOUR ATTENTION, PHILLIP! Eloise comes up to tell Phillip that tea’s ready, which gives the twins the opportunity to take one look at her and decide she’s Public Enemy No. 1. Gosh, I did not see that coming! By this point, Phillip has had all the emotional disturbance he’s able to handle in one morning, so he’s off to his man-cave greenhouse, leaving everyone else to fend for themselves. Hmmm, sensing a pattern. Run, Eloise, run!

By the afternoon, Eloise is almost ready to call it quits. Smart girl! Well, almost but not quite. She hates admitting defeat, you see. Sigh. I guess we’ve all been there, trying to make something out of a lacklustre first date but, honestly, cut your losses, babe. Eloise tells herself that she hadn’t been expecting love at first sight – weren’t you though, just a little bit??  – but Phillip is still falling well short of her expectations. Apart from being taciturn and not especially charming, he doesn’t seem to know how to parent his children, and Eloise is not impressed which – totally fair! Totally a valid reason to swipe right and move on. But no; Eloise is not a quitter. She’s going to stick around and try to get to know Phillip better. For now, what she gets is another run-in with Amanda and Oliver. They make it very clear that they do not want her around and will make her stay as uncomfortable as possible. GIRL! Signs, signs as far as the eye can see, and they’re all flashing red. Eloise is not daunted, though; she grew up with 7 brothers and sisters, so she knows how to hold her ground against mischief-making kids. I want to go on the record as not enjoying this plotline.

Down in the greenhouse, Phillip is assessing how badly he’s messed up. He knows he didn’t make a good first impression. Nay, he had zero game. Poor awkward bear Phillip. Not helping matters is the fact that Eloise is not the ugly spinster he had envisioned her to be. He can’t wrap his head around why someone so young, pretty, smart, and competent would want to marry some rural hick she’d never met. It’s a fair question. Phillip’s pretty sure that Eloise won’t find him up to scratch, so he doesn’t want to get his hopes up that she’ll stick around … buuuut he’s gonna give it his best shot anyway. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

He heads back to the house and runs into Eloise in the kitchen, having a sandwich. The housekeeper is already Eloise’s best friend. I have a good feeling about this, guys. You always want the housekeeper on your side when you’re the second wife, Rebecca taught us that. Phillip apologizes for being less than gracious and they establish that neither is what the other expected. Eloise is, like, please expand, and Phillip’s, like, well, you’re very pretty for starters. Eloise likes that answer. She’s also a big fan of Phillip’s “athletic grace”. He’s very … checks notes … “large and muscular”. Ahem. I’m starting to think that Phillip is more Channing Tatum than Pedro Pascal. I’m suddenly less interested but Eloise is ALL OVER THAT. As for other reasons why she’s potentially interested in marrying him, Eloise tells Phillip that after refusing a bunch of other proposals, she’s decided that she still wants to get married and picked him because she liked his letters. I guess he’s more eloquent with the written word? Speaking of eloquence, when it's Phillip’s turn to tell Eloise why he was interested in marrying her, his answer isn’t likely to kindle any romance: his kids need a mom. Real smooth, my guy.

Despite that unpromising start, Eloise and Phillip somehow end up having a nice evening together. We’ll have to take Julia Quinn’s word for that, because we are given no concrete evidence. I stand by my original assessment: these two having nothing but lust in common. Not that my opinion matters; by the next morning, Phillip has decided that he’s seen enough to know that Eloise will make an excellent wife. She is intelligent and pretty, and did I mention that Phillip has been celibate for years and years? I’m sure that doesn’t have ANY impact on his decision-making AT ALL. Meanwhile, his kids aren’t letting grass grow under their feet either. The campaign to expel Miss Bridgerton from Romney Hall is ON. Their opening gambit is the old bucket-of-flour-over-the-door trick. It works and it doesn’t. Eloise ends up covered in flour, yes, but she is determined not to concede the victory to the kids. Phillip is useless about the whole thing. This would annoy the crap out of me, but Eloise is unphased; she tells him that she will handle the kids on her own. Phillip is mildly concerned at first but Eloise assures him that she’s not going to hurt them so he’s, like, ok, cool, have at it. Totally what a responsible parent would do.

By dinnertime, Eloise’s revenge becomes apparent. She has put a fish in Amanda’s bed and Amanda is not happy about it. She complains to Phillip, who refuses to intervene; payback is payback. Oh, who are we kidding? Phillip isn’t falling over himself to take an active role in his kids’ parenting if there is someone else around to do it. Anyway. Eloise’s chosen revenge against Oliver is to NOT put a fish in his bed but leave him in waiting in suspense for his comeuppance. I am exhausted just reading about this. I hate pranks. I hate planning pranks, I hate executing pranks, I hate being subjected to pranks. I do not understand people who think pranks are cute or amusing and I would HATE living under the same roof with those people. Eloise seems to be enjoying herself so, fine. She asks Phillip if he’s told the kids why she’s there and of course he hasn’t. Oh my f*cking god. Instead of apologizing profusely for once again TOTALLY DROPPING THE BALL, Phillip acts like a sore bear and grumps that he doesn’t need advice from Eloise about parenting his kids, at least not until after they’re married. Eloise’s not having it; she tells him flat out that he needs to give his kids more attention and discipline, and that she won’t allow herself to be treated like she’s stupid. Phillip apologizes, once again impressed by Eloise’s backbone. She’s just what he needs: strong, opinionated and bossy. Ok, we stan a guy who appreciates a strong woman. Phillip is totally happy to have found someone who can fix his life for him. Umm? I take it back. Phillip, babe: you need to fix your own life, ok?

Anyway, they have a nice dinner together and later take a stroll through the portrait gallery. Lest you think Phillip is some kind of country bumpkin, no. His house comes with a portrait gallery. The portrait gallery comes with candlelight, which makes Phillip look extra dishy. Eloise is ready for some dessert, if you catch my drift. But first, some family history. Booooring. We find out about Phillip’s older brother who died at Waterloo and left behind a fiancée whom Phillip ended up marrying. That’s right, Marina. Eloise wonders if Phillip still loves Marina but let me spare you the doubt – he doesn’t. We’ll find out later that he only married her out of a sense of duty and that their marriage was essentially one of convenience. Can we move on now? Yes, we can. Eloise asks Phillip to show her the greenhouse. The greenhouse in the dark proves to be even more romantic than the portrait gallery in candlelight. Phillip asks if he can kiss her, and Eloise is, like, YOU SURE CAN! They kiss for, like, 3 pages, because Julia Quinn knows how to keep people interested.

Next morning, Eloise is still floating on a cloud of post-kiss happiness, but not for long. Amanda and Oliver still hate her so they deploy the second gambit in their anti-stepmom campaign. It’s a trip wire. Eloise falls and hits her face, getting a black eye in the process. See, I told you pranks were stupid! Phillip is once again unable to handle the situation in a constructive way. Turns out that he was physically abused by his dad as a child, which means he does not know how to approach discipline with his own children. Gah, this is another sad subplot that I really would prefer to JUST NOT. Predictably, the whole episode leads to Eloise and Phillip getting into another argument and not speaking to each other for the rest of the day.

The next day, Eloise decides to give things another try. How many more times are we going to do this??? Ughhh. Eloise runs down the pros and cons: Phillip is a grumpy bear quite often, yes, but he’s also cute when he smiles aaaaand Eloise thinks that if he does end up loving her, he won’t take her for granted. Look, babe, just admit you can’t get enough of his muscles. It’s ok, we won’t judge. Much. Since Phillip is nowhere to be found, Eloise decides the next best thing is to spend the morning with the kids, who (as punishment for the trip wire incident) have promised to be nice to her. They end up going swimming and having fun and while it does seem like the kids’ hostility is dispensed with in a rather summary fashion, I am very happy to see the end of this subplot, fingers crossed. But the good feeling doesn’t last long; Phillip arrives on scene in a total huff, ruining everyone’s vibe, convinced that his kids are about to drown. Why? Because he doesn’t know that they can swim. (They can.) Phillip feels like a terrible father again which, honestly, he should.

At supper, Eloise tries to give him a little pep talk. She can see that he’s pained by his inadequacies as a father which means that he cares about his kids. She tells him, AGAIN, that he just needs to spend more time with them and give them more attention. He finally listens and they make tentative plans for a swimming date a quatre.

If you thought things were finally going smoothly and you could relax, WRONG. The place is suddenly beset by Bridgertons … all 4 of Eloise’s brothers, to be precise. And THEY BIG MAD!!! Surprisingly, it’s not Anthony who’s the first to choose violence (that would be Benedict and Gregory) but make no mistake, Anthony is pissed. He gets even more pissed when he sees Eloise’s black eye. It’s the cherry on top of the terrible, no good, very bad fact of their sister’s unexplained disappearance in the middle of the night and their subsequent discovery of her unchaperoned visit to some strange man’s house. Eloise tries to explain the situation but her brothers seem to be listening with their fists more than their ears. Phillip is, on the whole, pretty philosophical about being pinned to the ground by a bunch of big, angry dudes. He’s already decided that he likes Colin the best – what a surprise!! – because Colin’s the only one who hasn’t made any move to kill Phillip and is, in fact, holding back the others. I’m actually surprised Colin came on this sister-saving excursion at all, since it involves being away from Penelope and food, his two favourite things in the world.

Eloise finally gets the chance to explain how she got her black eye – the kids did it! – which seems to bring down the temperature in the room. I guess Anthony is a big softie when it comes to kids, who knew. He proceeds to demand an explanation of the rest of the situation, while glaring at Phillip in his usual Anthony fashion. Phillip is impressed; he would love to be able to glare like Anthony. What? No! Nobody needs to be more like Anthony, one Anthony is enough. It’s Phillip’s turn to explain and the Bridgertons have a hard time believing anyone would think that Eloise would make a good mom. Excuse me?? Pray tell why not – she knows how to handle them and they’re a bunch of brats. Phillip is also offended on her behalf and tells them that Eloise is marvellous and he won’t hear otherwise. This doesn’t score him any brownie points with the Bridgerton brigade, but it does with me. Go, Phillip! Anthony takes Eloise into another room so they can talk privately, and Phillip is left with the rest of the alphabet, who still appear to be in a violent frame of mind. Phillip is over it so he tells them to go ahead and break his legs and get it out of their system. This is definitely the best way to handle the Bridgerton men. If only Phillip could demonstrate such insight in handling his own kids.

Meanwhile, Anthony is laying out the facts to Eloise: she can marry Phillip in one week or she can marry Phillip in two weeks. The marrying part is non-negotiable. Eloise is, like, but but but I still haven’t figured out if I want to marry him, it’s only been 2 days. What!? How?? It feels like I’ve been reading this story for a month. Anyway, Anthony doesn’t care; Eloise has made her bed, she’s gonna have to marry it. Or something like that. Anthony won’t make her marry Phillip if he’s a bad man, but Eloise has no reason to believe that he is. She agrees to marry him, even though this isn’t shaping up to be the love match she had been hoping for. Anthony is sympathetic but reminds her that he married his wife because of a compromising situation – WHO COULD FORGET THE BEE INCIDENT – and only fell in love with her afterwards. Ummm, I feel like we’re getting some revisionist history here, but since Anthony is trying to be supportive, we’ll let it pass. Eloise tells him how lonely she felt after Colin and Penelope got married, and explains that she pursued Phillip’s proposal because she didn’t want to sit and wait for life to happen to her. Anthony’s, like, you’re special and life never happens to you, you happen to it. Anthony can be a good egg sometimes. Anyway, the upshot is that Eloise is going to move to Benedict’s My Cottage for a week, Phillip is going to visit her there every day, and after a week, they’re going to get married. Phillip doesn’t get a say in this matter because Anthony thinks that respecting people’s autonomy is optional.

In the other room, Phillip and his soon-to-be brothers-in-law are getting along like a house on fire. Everyone is roaring drunk and no legs have been broken. See, I told you Phillip handled things well. Eloise takes him aside to ask if everything’s cool. Phillip’s, like, yeah yeah totes cool but we definitely have to get married. He doesn’t want his legs broken and that’s still on the table, current détente aside. Eloise is prepared to accept that as a valid reason, but she would like to know if Phillip has other reasons as well. More romantic reasons, perhaps?? Phillip can’t muster an appropriate response, being inebriated and all. Eloise storms out, which honestly seems a bit high-handed considering that she’s the one with the 4 violence-prone brothers.

The next day, Eloise is hanging out with Sophie at My Cottage. As decreed by Petty Dictator Anthony, Phillip arrives for a visit. Sophie’s, like, damn girl – he’s fine. Eloise is, all, I guesssssss, if you’re into the “rough and rural” type and all. Don’t play coy, Eloise Bridgerton, we all know how you feel about his muscles. Sophie leaves the two of them alone, sadly to no better end than another very strained conversation. Eloise is still in a bad mood about Phillip’s deficit of romantic instinct the night before. They argue, again. Phillip finally tells her that, if it’s any consolation, he had decided that they would suit even before her brothers turned up, fists a-blazing. Eloise is, like, yeah but why? After yet another interruption from her brothers, whose sense of timing is never not terrible, Phillip finally gets the chance to answer. But he’s not gonna tell her why he thinks they should get married. He’s gonna SHOW her. How, you ask? By going down on her. Well … that’s one argument. A very persuasive one, as far as Eloise is concerned.

As an aside, engaging in some fairly risqué (for the era) sexual activity in a stranger’s house with a contingent of Bridgertons nearby is a terrible idea, imho. The Bridgertons are not known for their respect of closed doors or the taking of liberties with one’s sister. Phillip is a man who loves living on the edge, clearly.

I guess he gets lucky – in more ways than one – because Eloise’s brothers are too distracted by one of their dick measuring gun shooting contests to notice what’s happening. This scene is basically Pall Mall, part deux: pistols boogaloo. Eloise turns up in the middle of the contest, clearly energized by Phillip’s, earlier attentions, to show everyone who’s the real crack shot: Eloise. Phillip, who is no mean shot himself, is delighted. Oh, look: finally, something they have in common.

The next day, it’s time for the Bridgertons to visit Romney Hall. Amanda and Oliver get into a fight just as the guests arrive, throwing Phillip off his game. He still has no idea how to deal with his own children, so Eloise has to step up and defuse the situation. Nobody seems to think this is weird. Later, Eloise and Phillip have a heart-to-heart, and Phillip tells her about the abuse he suffered from his father and how that is affecting his ability to be kind of the parent he would like to be for Amanda and Oliver. For her part, Eloise finally opens up about her feelings of being left behind after Penelope and Colin got married, and how that influenced her decision to meet Phillip. I’m glad these two are able to have a constructive conversation for once, but I’m honestly pretty bored at this point. Their issues are relatable, I guess, but also oddly mundane, leaving me almost hoping for some absurd manufactured melodrama to liven things up. Alas, none is forthcoming.

Eloise and Phillip get married by special license less than a week later because even Julia Quinn doesn’t feel like dragging this out much longer. The night of the wedding, Violet and Eloise have their mother-daughter “talk”. Violet is saved from embarrassing herself again (y’all remember Daphne’s wedding night, yes?) because Eloise already knows about the birds and the bees. She and Francesca once bribed a housemaid to tell them all the deets. It was Francesca’s idea, apparently, which doesn’t surprise me in the least. Eloise asks her mom is she’s disappointed by how Eloise has managed her personal affairs, but Violet isn’t. She’s surprised, but never disappointed by her kids. Aww, that’s nice. Violet cautions Eloise to give things time, and not be too impatient in her marriage or push too hard. I guess Violet thinks that Phillip is the type of person who needs time to access his feelings and Eloise always wants an immediate reaction. If so, she may have a point.

The wedding night is a success in case you were wondering. Mostly because Eloise is a BIG fan of Phillip’s “farm worker’s” physique and also of his oral sex technique, and Phillip is a big fan of sex in general, what with not having any for eight years.

A week later, some things are going well, some aren’t. I’m sure you can probably guess which are and which aren’t. Yep, the Cranes are having plenty of sex but not nearly enough talking for Eloise’s liking. Phillip spends most of his days in the greenhouse. In his defence, he’s not trying to avoid Eloise, he’s just oblivious; the sex is great, and now that Eloise is around to manage things, he can just busy himself with his peas. Men! Eloise for her part is trying to do as Violet suggested and give Phillip his space. She decides to focus on the kids instead, which is good because the kids are being abused by their nanny and no one has noticed until now. Wow, this book really enjoys doubling down on the child abuse, huh. Eloise immediately tells Phillip what’s going on, but his response is, basically, you deal with it. And then tries to get frisky while she’s still trying to discuss things. You know, things like YOUR CHILDREN’S WELLBEING, PHILLIP! Eloise is, understandably, NOT in the mood. They fight and Phillip stalks off in a sulk because he’s been sex-deprived for a long time and apparently sex on demand is now the answer to everything. Ugh. I’ve had it up to HERE with these two and their marital problems. Also, won’t someone think of the children? Like, for real.

Eloise is upset that Phillip walked away in the middle of an argument and she’s not sure how to handle the situation. She decides to head to My Cottage to cool off but when she arrives, she finds chaos. One of Benedict’s and Sophie’s kids (Charles) is seriously ill, so Eloise decides to stay and help out. Meanwhile, Phillip finally lives up to his parental responsibilities and deals with the abusive nanny situation. He and the kids have a nice bonding moment. Later, he realizes that Eloise has been gone for an awfully long time and has a minor freakout, thinking that she’s dumped him. Luckily, he doesn’t lose his head entirely, and eventually figures out that she’s probably at My Cottage. When he arrives there, things are looking dire for Charles, but Phillip saves the day by telling them to give Charles some willow bark tea. By morning, Charles’ fever has broken much to everyone’s relief. Eloise and Phillip drive back home and have another heart-to-heart. The upshot is that Phillip finally tells Eloise that he loves her and wants her to love him. Eloise is, like, duh of course I do.

The book (mercifully) ends with Phillip, Eloise and the kids on a nice family outing. At last.

Epilogue No. 1 is a letter from Eloise to her new daughter, Penelope. It’s literally, like, one page. Julia Quinn ran out of steam with this one, just like we all did.

Epilogue No. 2 is a short story about Amanda’s courtship with some mostly forgettable dude. It’s not especially exciting because there is only so much excitement you can cram into a few dozen pages. But hey – come back next week because we’re doing Hyacinth’s story and Hyacinth’s story has plenty of thrills and a ponytailed hero named Gareth. Yes, you read that right.